Life is short, but there is always time enough for courtesy.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Common courtesy, two words we all use together, “that’s just a common courtesy,” but what do they really mean? I opened my trusty dusty dictionary for answers. Courtesy; politeness, good manners, respect and common; occurring often, ordinary. I think courtesy is anything but ordinary and it can be extraordinary in someone’s life. Like when someone runs into my wheelchair and they say excuse me, that's extraordinary. Most people don't even acknowledge that they hit me, as if I'm not really there. Invisible-ness of disability, an idea for another blog.

January of this year I began a job that requires me to travel to Oakland California one day, once a week. Because we begin work early I arrive the day prior. I either stay the night in a hotel or with friends. When I bunk in a hotel it’s the Hotel Shattuck in Berkeley for me.  Of sure the rooms are swell and easy to manage, but that doesn’t keep me coming back. It’s the way the employees keep me feeling, as if am their only guest. They know what room I prefer, reserving it for me, every time, they put a coffee maker in my room, they ask about my day and use my name, all of them, not just the person behind the desk reading my reservation. I feel valued be these simple acts done consistently.  “Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciation heart.” Henry Clay

In my research on courtesy I found a book on courtesy that may have contributed to the underlying principles that created this country. 110 Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation written in 1595 French and was translated into English in 1640. These rules originally focused on the behavior of aristocrats and they reflect this but so what. When I read “the rules” a foundational value based in respect for self and the other person stood out for me and I feel for the teenage George Washington as well. George read and then wrote each of the 110 rules and practiced them in his life.
Examples are:

• Be not forward but friendly and Courteous; the first to Salute hear and answer & be not Pensive when it's   a time to Converse.
• Speak not injurious Words neither in Jest nor Earnest Scoff at none although they give Occasion.
• Show how filial piety and loyalty where these are due; and
   cultivate humaneness.
• Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.
• And my personal favorite,   Kill no Vermin as Fleas, lice ticks in the Sight of Others, if you See any filth or thick Spittle put your foot Dexterously upon it if it be upon the Cloths of your Companions, Put it off privately, and if it be upon your own Cloths return Thanks to him who puts it off. 
Foundations Magazine

I read somewhere that the number one, biggest, best feel good thing people want to hear is their name. Upon reading this my mind clicked with, “hey if I use someone’s name this will help me remember names and it’s a simple way to get someone happy, cool, two birds one stone.” The idea felt courteous and friendly all at the same time. The Dali Lama said “question everything’” I do, so a test was in order. My experiment was this, I interact with someone that I don’t know, ask their name, use it and watch for their reaction to me using their name.

I immediately discovered that I had to pay attention to their name and repeat it at least two times or it slipped out as quickly as it slipped in to my brain and that this simple act became magic in my life. I feel the light come up in the person, blinking "you see me" and a powerful connection made in our sometimes, fleeting moments. The powerful impact I felt, however large or small, is consistently there for me and in the person’s face. How can I tell? Because they smile at me! I like to think this act of using a person’s name creates a shift in both of our consciousness, toward the holy grail of inclusion I so deeply desire for our community and myself.

To make it a “no brainer habit”  a concentrated conscious courtesy effort by me was required and that felt uncomfortable, at first. But I pushed through my weak insecurities and I ask people their name, the store clerk, cashier, waitress, waiter, baggage handler, ticket taker anyone I spoke to. Anyone I connect with, including someone homeless asking for help. I ask their name, introduce myself and then I use their name during our conversations and help how I can. It is simple yet profound act that requires me to stay focused and in the moment with each person.

This practice has enhanced my life and I feel good. My common courtesy of asking someone’s name doesn’t feel common or ordinary to me it feels huge and proactive. It feels like I 'm making a difference by creating connection and community just like we do here at the Reeve Foundation and just like I like it.

Blessings to all, In Joy Candace Cable


Copyright 2011 Candace Cable