with gratitude

with gratitude

Posted by Dan Gottlieb on Jun 8, 2016 2:36 pm

So here I am on the cusp of my 7th decade on this planet. 70 years on this earth, with this body.

This body that has experienced assault from schoolmates, sports injuries and 3 major concoctions. This body that has experienced sexual abuse from a man he trusted and idolized when he was 12 years old.

This body that has experienced abuse from my own hands; from the foods I ate (and still do occasionally) from what I drank(and still do occasionally), from the drugs I used(and don't anymore), from the sleep I’ve deprived it from, from pushing it beyond what was reasonable, from neglect and sometimes resentment.

And this body that has been living in a wheelchair for the last 36 years. This body that suffers every day and seems to be more so as it ages.

So on the cusp of my 70th birthday, I turn to this body, to this life, and with tears in my eyes I say: "thank you, thank you. Thank you for giving me this life, for surviving all that you have been through, for showing up every day so that I can live another day. Thank you to this body and brain and heart that enables me to care so deeply and love so easily."

I weep with gratitude at all of the good fortune I’ve experienced in these 7 decades.

I wish. I deeply wish for the same gratitude for everyone reading this now.
Dan


 
www.DrDanGottlieb.com

Re: with gratitude

Posted by Loretta on Jun 12, 2016 11:42 pm

It's hard to be grateful sometimes.  I called the Dr.'s office that saved my life to tell him thank you and he said I was a horrible person.  Lord love a duck.  I am a woman who worked in a man's job.  Big deal.  I didn't get there by being "horrible".  I find it very hard to forgive, and yet I really don't blame them for not walking in my shoes, so to speak.  I find people's fear of being like me, causes a fight or flight reaction.  I thought people would be kind if I tried hard.  Nope!  I thought if I were giving and supportive they would be kind in return, Nope!.  Ahh, the times we live in.  
It is hard to recognize the quiet kindness that is given.  People who don't want to be "involved" (just passing through) give the kindness they are able to give and I sometimes don't recognize it until they have gone.  I try to follow through and tell them thank you the next time,  if there is a next time, but sometimes next times don't come around.  Now I do try to say thank you all of the time, anyway, good or bad, because next time might not come.  
I fight with myself more than others in getting what I need.  It's easy to give up and give in.  It's hard to speak out and even harder to acquire regognition of what you said is a valid point.  
I'm going to recreate myself, yet again.  I have surgery comming up and I am going to be better, so what am I going to be better at?
My daughter tells me that I am all over the place and good at everything, but perfeting nothing.  What do I do to become focused?  How do you determine which is your idealistic place of interest?  How do you know what to narrow down?  Sheesh,  I 'm all over the place in just one conversation.  Habits?  
I'm learning Spanish.  I want to learn Chemestry and take  the Biology course again.  Does that mean I want to get a higher degree or just keep learning?  
You are grateful for being 70, I will be 71 in less than a month.  I want to be viable until I am as old as my uncle who went out and painted the barn last summer 95.  
I think you do until you don't.  It's been so difficult just being, that how hard can it be to become.  Shoot,  I don't know.  I get angry, scared, and determined all at the same time.  
I appreciate your posts and wish you a splended decade.  Happy Birthday.
 

Re: with gratitude

Posted by Dan Gottlieb on Jun 15, 2016 4:21 pm

Oh my dear Loretta, what great difficulties you are having with your own mind and heart. Let's not worry about others for the moment, let's worry about developing a kind and compassionate relationship with yourself.

And who is this woman? From what I can tell, she is a woman who has a mind with multiple interests that is sometimes hard to calm down. She is a woman that wants to "fit in" and doesn't feel like she does despite all of her efforts. And she is a woman who is kind and once good things for herself and others.

So how am I doing so far…?

Since this discussion is about gratitude, I'll switch gears.

At this moment, I feel grateful that you have invited me into your life. I feel grateful that I might have something inside my brain or my heart that could help you. And I feel compassion for this woman who is clearly suffering.

And now experience what it's like for you as you read this comment. Do you feel understood or cared for?
Gratitude happens in moments. My girlfriend and daughters threw me a big 70th birthday party this weekend.

Several people toasted me and talked about their affection for me and what I might have done to help them with their family. When it was my turn, I cried. I cried because everything is a crap shoot. What parents we get, what DNA we get, what schools we go to, what friends we make-even what insurance we carry. All of the millions of tiny little pieces of luck that enable us to get where we are this very moment. That enable us to be bright enough to have this conversation in the first place. That enable us to be alive despite all of our suffering.

I wept with gratitude for things that were out of my control. Of course there are many things that are out of my control that I am not so grateful for-yesterday my leg leaked on my favorite pair of shoes!

Seriously, gratitude is available for us moment by moment. I wish you great peace.

And I would love you to write back and tell us a little more about yourself. Are you disabled and for how long and what type and all that stuff.

Please take care of you
Dan
www.DrDanGottlieb.com

Re: with gratitude

Posted by Loretta on Jun 21, 2016 2:01 am

     I caught the flu? or a germ that doesn't seem to be affecting younger people much, just us older slower people.  Wow, Brain trip, It took me three trays to get my computer to go here.  I think it has something to do with our internet provider being told "It's internet neutrality!"
     Thank you for responding.  You are pretty much on target, I think.  I have been trying so hard  and waiting so long for help to drift my way that I have been confusedas to weither  that the help should ever arrive.  My doctor is trying,  I spent Friday at another Dr's, who was going to help figure out why I keep bleeding internally.  Well, he sounded very negative, acted like i should be classified as "crazy" and wide eyed that I even existed.  Instead of doing what I had expected, he did an exam and, I think took a sample, and then just said "that's it". and that was all there was.
     Of course, I can't feel anything so I really don't know.  I went home thinking the worst, and getting sicker and sicker with this cold, flu, old bug?  I started bleeding again, and just threw up my hands with "how long in hell does a person need to live to be able to be understood by a medical doctor"?
     Two days later, barely breathing through the coughing and phlegm, fever, (God shouldn't't do this to old people).  Then yesterday after my exercises before getting out of bed, I moved easier.  I noticed but soon decided my attention was still focused on breathing.  Today, the same as yesterday, but then this afternoon, I could stand all the way up and walk a few steps.  I changed the lifts in my shoes and tried a few more steps and DAMN I can stand up!  It hurts my shoulders and neck, but they are broken anyway. so my lower back is able to allow me to stand up!
     I have always thought there was a band of tissue that pulled me down, I don't know, but I can stand up.  My insides have been acting 
"normal"  What?  Thank you!  What did he ( the doctor) do?  Ok, happy, happy, will it last, exercises stretch, work at it, good.
     Now I need to get ready for an operation on my neck, or not.  After 27 years of this, it's almost unreal.  I'm not sure if they will let me have the operation.  I'm unhappy and naturally complaining, one day and estatic the next.
I am supposed to prepare questions for the surgeon and make a yes on no commital on surgery.  I need to do this soon.  The money from the State may be removed because of politics and being 71, not to mention the fraud investigations.  
     After I make up my mind and commit one way or the other, then the next step is to recreate my life as a functioning human, not crazy about humans.  
     I am scattered, but I think I can learn.  I thought about writting, but aren't people tired of the "I've been dead and gone through all this" stuff? guess not the people who are going through it are, but ?  Well,  I do look forward to your input and the help from both you and Nurse Linda.  I'm really glad someone is responding, although it is fianally my turn.  Later Loretta

Re: with gratitude

Posted by Dan Gottlieb on Jun 22, 2016 5:02 pm

hi Loretta,

I hope you didn't go to the doctor yet because my one strong piece of advice-very strong-is to not go to the doctor by yourself.  Any of us under the best of circumstances need to be with an advocate.  And you certainly are not in the best of circumstances having difficulties with both your brain and your body.
So please please make sure you go with somebody.  I sure hope this is not too late

keep us posted Loretta.  Please

 
www.DrDanGottlieb.com

Re: with gratitude

Posted by Loretta on Jun 24, 2016 4:07 am

Advocate, not likely.  I only have one daughter and she works for all of the rest of us.  Two,other, her husband and me.
     I went to the doctor and the proceedure did not go wll, Surprise.  Problems that are manufactured are part of this.  My doctor, primary care, has been my doctor since 2001, I think.  He was fresh out of school. 
     My doctor before him, turned out to be his teacher.  He is now a major professor and, as usuall, nobody knows what to do with me.  To make that worse, the doctors have many patience that are addicted and asking for pills.  I have refused to take a lot of medications they thought,"might help me". Until they did a genetic test and found out that I cannot take Coumadin.  It makes me bleed too much.  That would be fine except they irrationally put that off as "bad blood problem" affecting everything. I can take Heprin.
     So at the last proceedure the doctor said, "I'm not cutting into that woman."  And when I told him about the tearing and bleeding, he said he didn't believe it and that I should just take a stool softener or laxative.  
     So, because my doctor and he are, assumably, friends and polititally entertwined, my doctor is now being extrememly conservative.  I could have sued him many times and realize that he was child like as a new doctor.  I do have so many problems and at the inception of this whole mess, had a lot of surgeries, but not for 27 years now, and still they treat me as if I want them to "cut into me".  I did want to be fixed, I just want the rectal bleeding to stop and be able to go when I need to, but I guess that isn't going to happen.  
     The big surgery, with my broken neck over 6 veribrea, hasn't been decided by me yet.  The doctor surgeon said he wouldn't even be talking to me if he didn't think he could at least stop the paralisis from going further.  Did I say this is a medical school?
I need to create a list of questions and submit them to him for answer.  He said I could do that any way I wanted.  I could go into the office, or on the phone or, my choice a written list with his answers written back.
I am still flu ridden and exausted from that.  The New caseworker from state Medicaid said I had time and I didn't need to make a disicission until a feel up to it.  
     Did I tell you I have survived a TBI by myself, and still have a few problems, but mostly, my doc says, " I'm too smart for my own good"? Illogical.  The head injury and a full leg DVT plus the fact that Coumadin attaches fibrin making me bleed excessively, doesn't even let them get to my broken bones and internal problems.  I have a partially paralized diaphram, that they just gave up on.  
     No, there is no one or entity to help.  I am pretty much alone.  If I ask too much of my daughter, I'm afraid she and her husband will have the state take me away.  She did buy this houose with a basement for me to live in.  Been with her through 3 moves since I lost my house in 2005.  
     I will type up the questions into a computer file and submit them to the surgeon doc, soon.  Would you and Nurse Linda fell up to reading through them and making any suggestions?  Would you need more information to do that?  Would that be asking too much?
I appreciate you taking time to help, by just talking with me.  

Re: with gratitude

Posted by Loretta on Jun 27, 2016 6:01 pm

Well, now I probably did it.  I ned to erase everything in the last post, please. 

Re: with gratitude

Posted by Dan Gottlieb on Jun 29, 2016 3:56 pm

hi Loretta
I don't understand why you wanted to delete the previous post?  Regardless, it sounds like you feel terribly misunderstood by your doctors.  I wouldn't be surprised if that has happened to all of us.  It certainly happens to me pretty often.  Sometimes doctors think they know more about our bodies then we do.  Although they are right very often, a good doctor is one who learns from their patient.

I sure wish you had an advocate with you.  I wonder if you have a case manager that could be helpful.  And at the very least, you could have a conversation with nurse Linda about the kinds of questions you should be asking your doctor.  And it would be ideal if your doctor could put these answers in writing.  That way you could read it instead of trying to remember it-especially when you might be upset as your doctor talks with you.

Please keep us posted.  And just as important, please tell me why you wanted to delete your previous post

take care of you

 
www.DrDanGottlieb.com

Re: with gratitude

Posted by Dan Gottlieb on Jun 29, 2016 3:57 pm

hi Loretta
I don't understand why you wanted to delete the previous post?  Regardless, it sounds like you feel terribly misunderstood by your doctors.  I wouldn't be surprised if that has happened to all of us.  It certainly happens to me pretty often.  Sometimes doctors think they know more about our bodies then we do.  Although they are right very often, a good doctor is one who learns from their patient.

I sure wish you had an advocate with you.  I wonder if you have a case manager that could be helpful.  And at the very least, you could have a conversation with nurse Linda about the kinds of questions you should be asking your doctor.  And it would be ideal if your doctor could put these answers in writing.  That way you could read it instead of trying to remember it-especially when you might be upset as your doctor talks with you.

Please keep us posted.  And just as important, please tell me why you wanted to delete your previous post

take care of you

 
www.DrDanGottlieb.com

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