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Group: Forum Members
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Closure! What does that really mean? You always hear people talk about getting closure, or they will feel better if they get some closure. Can you ever really get closure from an event? What does closure feel like?
I ask because this week was the 8th anniversary of our accident. Humm...maybe I want closure. That day was the worst day of my life. We were about three hours into our summer vacation when the unthinkable happened. We were all taken to different hospitals in a city where we knew nobody. Everyone was looking to me for all the answers. I felt like the weight of the world rested with me and not much has changed. That part still feels true today. While I was waiting for an orthopedic surgeon to arrive to fix my hand and wrist, the other hospital called to inform me that my husband had a spinal cord injury, was on a vent and his brain was swelling. I had state troopers trying to investigate the accident and 2 young kids that were scared to death. That day I knew my life would never be the same.
I often think about the 18 year old girl that hit us. I want to know why. I want to know what happened. I what to know what could have possibly caused her to become so distracted that she crossed a divided highway at 75 mph on a beautiful Sunday morning. And maybe I just want to hear her say I’m sorry.
Unfortunately our system doesn’t work that way. She is just some faceless teenager in my mind that changed our lives and shattered many dreams. I so vividly remember that moment, the hours, the days and the weeks that followed the accident.
Does closure really happen? If it comes from within, then why do I want to give this girl a piece of my mind? I know I will never speak to her, but how do you remove that thought from your mind. I don’t want a hair pulling, “scratch her eyes out” encounter on The Jerry Springer Show. Maybe I just wish for a sincere I’m sorry and some closure.
Trish
“You change your life by changing your heart.”
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Group: Administrators
Last Login: Thursday, August 26, 2010 2:34 PM
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Trish,
I understand what you are saying and I'm not sure it really happens. Perhaps we have to just make a decision to let it go. Mind you, I'm obviously not fully there. I am so aware from time to time of a fleeting thought that I wonder if the guy who was on his cellphone rushing to the airport to avoid missing his flight has any idea how massively he has altered another person's life. I'm glad it's a fleeting thought! It could easily become the seed from which bitterness sprouts. I remember once asking my attorney what the guy looked like. In some weird way, I looked forward to seeing him in court and for him to see me, the casualty of his distracted driving. Why? I don't know. Maybe the closure thing...?
RBF 
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 3:43 PM
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closure? Well, I am 30 years post accident and just this past weekend I was in Atlantic City on a hot Saturday, too hot to go outside and hang out. from my balcony I looked at some people swimming in the ocean and I remember back 30, 40, 50 years to what it felt like in the cool water body surfing and jumping the waves.
and for the first time in decades, I longed to be in that water. I could actually feel that ache in my body. Not screaming in pain, self-pity or a gaping hole inside, just and ache.
And that's the difference between eight years and 30 years. Nothing magic, just the intensity of the emotions attached to events becoming small.
After a few minutes, I actually enjoyed the memory of body surfing. And then a few minutes later my mind bounced around into a whole new neighborhood.
I'll comment on your anger at the people responsible for your accidents in my next post
Dan
Daniel Gottlieb Ph.D
www.drdangottlieb.com
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 3:43 PM
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as many know, my accident was caused by a wheel breaking off a truck and crushing my car. For several years all I wanted to do was face the truck driver and break his neck. And then I found out that the accident was really caused by a large tire and rubber Company that manufactures the wheel. And I felt the same way towards them, all I wanted to do was hurt someone.
So we had our lawsuit and I got to face those people and I won the lawsuit. Nobody felt any regret other than the regret of losing the suit. I carried my resentment for a couple of more years. But then as my life got better, my resentment got smaller. And now I don't feel resentment for anyone. Actually, I feel great compassion for that truck driver who may have been living these last 30 years with the secret shame that he harmed someone. Might not be true, but that's what I tell myself.
I don't know if you guys will ever have the opportunity to face the people who caused your life changing event, I hope so.
And if you do, I hope the experience is healing for both of you.
Daniel Gottlieb Ph.D
www.drdangottlieb.com
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 3:53 PM
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How about when it was not caused by an accident, no factory default, no negligence by another driver, how about when it is caused by the body, like with a tumor. Where do you find closure? I have none. I blame myself for not making my husband follow up enough with the doctor to find out why his legs were giving up on him. I blame myself for being too busy working, for trusting that it would be nothing serious. I simply blame myself. How does one cope with that? I am not sure how. When I look in the mirror, I see the person I blame. And may I say, I also blame the one I trusted the most, my God. How did He let this happen. For me there has not being any closure, only blame! I suppose, we can say, it is not my fault, not God's fault. It is just life. things happens.. But, can I also say it sucks..
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 3:43 PM
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your anger is understandable. Anger is the voice of injustice and when we experience injustice we feel rageful. And although it saddens me, I can even understand how and why you turned this rage on yourself.
I recently had a consultation with and older couple who had been very much in love for many years. They came to see me because the wife was just diagnosed with a glioblastoma, a particularly virulent cancer with a very poor prognosis and a very short life expectancy measured sometimes in months.
Of course they were terribly shaken, both her poor husband was beating himself up because he didn't take her to the hospital when she said she felt increased fatigue two months ago. Now this man is in the medical field and part of his brain knew that even if they had caught it earlier, it's still a glioblastoma. Nevertheless, all he could do was blame himself and cry.
My first psychoanalytic supervisor told me that the unconscious experiences death as a murder and instinctively we look for the murderer. And you have certainly experienced a kind of death. And you found someone to blame. Yourself. And like you explained, many people blame themselves, God, other family members or friends but it is all in an effort to find the villain so we can find justice and reclaim some stability in our lives.
Of course it never works. It's like you said, stuff happens. Good stuff, bad stuff and lots of stuff in the middle. But how do we cope?
I have bad news for you my friend. That kind of rage and guilt may be covering up a deeper pain. And there is no greater pain than experiencing helplessness in the face of the loved ones suffering. And when you get past shame and blame, that's what you will see when you look in the mirror, you will see the eyes of a woman who has experienced great loss, who suffers daily and who finds a way to live with the fact that all of this came out of nowhere.
Find compassion for that woman, she needs it.
Daniel Gottlieb Ph.D
www.drdangottlieb.com
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 3:53 PM
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Hi Dr Dan
It is true "Anger is the voice of injustice", at times we are angry although we will try to block anger out. Blocking anger out is not healthy. We know! Sometimes, it is feeling sorry for ourselves and the ones affected with paralysis. I for one, try to find a rational meaning to this situation. Truthfully, I have found none. I don't think there is one, life happens and we must adjust. I am trying to find a balance and accept this new reality however, this balance is not easily found. Is it? Perhaps time will bring contentment and joy.. For now, I am going through the motions. I suspect most of us are until we finally reach that place in our minds, hearts and souls.
As you said once, "the orphan child is alone". To me that means, it is up to me to get there or not.
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, August 31, 2010 3:43 PM
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I wrote in one of my books how I learned from a doctor that her wounds to the body, when placed in a healthy environment, heal at a rate of 1 mm a day. And I thought about wounds to our lives, our spirits -- how long does it take to heal?
No one really knows, but heal they do. At least for the majority of us. The wound makes us somewhat different. We might different or feel differently as wounds leave scarred tissue.
but I hope as you begin to heal, you discover that that orphan we talked about will find herself in an orphanage of kindred spirits.
Dan
Daniel Gottlieb PhD
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
Daniel Gottlieb Ph.D
www.drdangottlieb.com
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