Hi, Mike Girling-Butcher calling from Aotearoa/New Zealand,

I open the www.reeve discussion site on 'life' and I read an entry recently posted claiming 'My wife left me today!' The writer who is also a tetraplegic appeared philosophical. Agreed it is a difficult life as it comes with few bouquets and well wishers do not last. I sincerely hope the writer can reconcile or agree to an amicable marriage settlement as any relationship breakdown is fraught with frayed emotion.

In my case my wife (such a paternal construct) stayed with me for eight years and I was an emotional wreck when it happened. Agreed the statistics of longevity in marriage between two people where one partner  suffers a life changing injury make for sorry reading. I was in 36 years at the time with a daughter aged 7 and a son barely one and a half years.


I remember feeling very disappointed because Robyn and I had put so much effort into rebuilding our lives.  I pleaded with my wife not to go because I could see impending suffering. Like the poster's wife, my wife was worn out and very close to a breakdown. She told me that if she didn't leave it would be a case of the family collapsing.

I could see her logic but inwardly I felt cheated because a lot of work had gone in and now I was now faced with a lot more. Personally I felt we were trying to do much and we had different goals. Robyn wanted to excel at university and I wanted to prove to the non disabled that the woeful statistics could be reversed. Both lives had been shattered and the glittering facade fell into pieces. I was furious because the naysayers would be proved right and being a determined bugger I would not accept defeat.

I hung on for many years and to her credit Robyn brought the children around regularly so I wasn't denied access. In spite of a relationship counselor suggesting to Robyn not to use me as a baby sitting service through me having a carer, she did and I weakly agreed because it meant stability and offered a ray of hope. On reflection it proved to be a fool's paradise as reconciliation never eventuated however I thoroughly enjoyed bringing up a toddler who was delightfully pliable. Martin and I would wile away the hours by watching an endless supply of sentimental war films and walking a recalcitrant but loyal fox terrier.

Trite as it may seem it was the worst of times and the best. Robyn achieved her goal and never came back to complete the family reunion. While frustrated and having to accept defeat my fighting spirit rose again and I have hardened goals for the years left. Instead of contemplating the what ifs I have want to achieve part-time work, assist that agreeable son into university, play an active role in a class action that is sorely needed within our antipodean society.


Here in NZ/Aotearoa if one suffers a life changing injury through an accident they receive the Rolls Royce of rehabilitative care through an insurance system which replenishes itself like growing grass. However those born with a congenital fault e.g.. muscular dystrophy, lack of oxygen at birth, scoliosis etc.,. are given welfare refugee status. These unlucky victims ride in archaic w/chairs and are shabbily dressed through not being adequately cared for. Frankly they do not have dollars on their heads therefore very few want to work with them, generally their families flee hence the term welfare refugee!

While God gives me strength ant to satisfy my desire to walk in the famed shadows of the great leaders of this world I aim to change this discrepancy or at least start the process otherwise we the disabled will never unite, forever fragment and never achieve one of our aims to maintain New Zealand's status as a world leader in political, ethnic and social reform.

If you can, please help

Michael Girling-Butcher.
Palmerston North.
New Zealand.