Thank you, zuzu! Your clear thinking and support are more appreciated than you could ever know. You are right, he has been so disrespectful for so long--I wanted to give my daughter a better life than I had, so I stayed and put up with him for her. How does a father/husband NEVER take their daughter & wife home to see grandma and grandpa and the family? He didn't care. Now he does, because our kid (and grandkids) are visiting 30 mins. away from us this week--they're a military family--and we'll only be able to see them once, for dinner. My daughter calls me several times a day, we get along great, but she can't stand him anymore! Husband's retired now, due to an injury at work, and he expects ME to entertain HIM all the time! Hey buddy, you didn't want me all these years, forget about it now! (trying to break into paragraphs here and it won't let me.) About half the marriage ago he decided he wanted a younger woman so he told me one day "I'm impotent." OK. Me, the dumb nice wife, "Honey, let's get you to a dr. Your uncle died from prostate cancer, it runs in your family, let's make sure you're ok. Let's make sure you don't have diabetes, or anything else wrong with you." "No!" This went on for a couple of months, me being nice and caring, until one day he turned around and screamed "There's nothing wrong with me! I'm not going to the dr.!" Uh, yeah, I had already figured that out immediately. So for half the marriage there's been no intimacy between us. I cooked, cleaned, raised the kid, homeschooled her for high school--did all this while disabled and suffering awfully but not yet paralyzed. He couldn't take me/us with him to his country because (to me) "You have to take care of the house!" When I pointed out we have an alarm, and the cops would be called, "Uh, uh (as he desperately looked around for another excuse) you have to clean the pool!" My daughter was around 15 then. I had saved his mother's LIFE the year before. She was coming here to have another eye surgery, when we lived in another state she came there and we paid for her surgery. I gladly took care of her afterwards, we got along great. When your mother-in-law tells you to put a religious medal in her son's underwear drawer so "he'll love you more" you have no doubts about her knowing what was going on over there too! Long story short, mom came for the 2nd surgery, and as I met them at the airport (he HAD to go down to bring her up here, yeah, right, that's what the trip was for, uh-huh!) I saw she was in severe congestive heart failure. My father died from a bad heart, I'd seen this before. She was gasping like a fish, had no ankles, her hands were blue, her lips were purple, and dummo yelled at me that I was no dr., didn't know anything, and the dr. down there said she was fine and could travel. I ran mom right to the dr. (no insurance!) and the dr. said she had 24-48 hrs. to live, she was too old, heart was too weak, etc. etc. I begged the dr. (a friend of ours then, she was from the same country as my husband) to please give me the Lasix, other meds, and I'd take care of mom, I knew how. Well son-of-a-gun, thank God mom pulled through and lived another 11 years! In 2005 (I was still hobbling with a cane) they were having a Mother's Day Family Reunion over there. He was going to make reservations for Mother's Day in 4 weeks and I (stupid me, expecting a nice reply) clapped my hands, smiled, and happily said, "Great! Let's go!" He didn't have the excuse that I had to take care of the kid then, she was already married. "OH NO! YOU have to stay RIGHT HERE!" If I could have walked out right then I would have! So, he left me for Mother's Day all alone, while he met his wonder-woman at night and was the PERFECT SON for the whole world to admire in the daytime! I really loved Mom and wanted to see her. That was my last chance to see her alive. Six months later she died, God rest her soul. THAT IS WHEN HE INVITED ME TO GO THERE! I said no, I wanted to go for the love, the family, the LIFE, not to wave bye-bye to a box with a dead person in it! To myself I thought, well, at least this time he won't be committing adultery--was I wrong! Even he's ashamed now, because I took it onto myself to tell EVERYONE in his family what he did after he carried his mama's body on his shoulder to the cemetery. (I discovered the dr.'s report from when he had cheated and got his infection last year in March, even though the report was from Nov. 2008, I had no "proof" until last year!) (In our state it's community property, adultery doesn't matter for that.) He couldn't respect her memory for 4 days?! He had to go (in his own words) "see una amiga!" Hey buddy! You're not supposed to HAVE "una amiga!" You used to have a wife who adored you! Oh well, now he tells me he wants to take care of me, he'll do anything for me---the truth is he just doesn't want to be left alone in his old age. Tough! I've got a bad heart. I'm diabetic. I'm paralyzed. I'm dropping dead from neuropathy which is so darned awful! I'm losing the use of my right leg very fast to a mononeuropathy. Earlier this year my neurosurgeon sent me to a neurologist for an EMG of the legs. Doc looked at me and said, "I don't know how you can even manage to stand up, let alone walk a little with your walker!" I told him it's because I don't listen to drs., I do what I want! ;-) If I try to get up without using my arms, I can't do it. Legs have no strength left. I have no balance, use a shower transfer bench and can barely get up enough to wash where the sun will never shine. Seriously, I know I'm going to lose the leg if I live long enough. Hardly any pedal pulse any more. (paragraph) There's no money to put aside, I'm still paying off co-pays from last year's second surgery on my spine. My neurosurgeon told me he's never seen anything like it, all of my disks are crumbling to pieces and eventually they will ALL need to be replaced/stabilized/whatever. The thought of more 7-hour surgeries and rehabs makes me sick! (paragraph) I've been so strong for so long, though, zuzu, I'm worn out and exhausted. Most nights I don't sleep, then fall asleep around 5-6 a.m. and get up 11-ish. He's already told me if we divorce (now he's putting that all on me, so he can be the innocent little lamb who got dumped, as if!) he wants to go back to his country, that he'll give me the house (which I can't physically take care of, nor afford to keep) but he keeps his SS and pension, which is only a small amount of money. He has a house over there that I saw once in 1982 but couldn't go in because it was rented out then. I paid for my own trip in 1982, only time I ever went. He's paid for a sister to come to the States twice, twice for his mom and once for his dad. Oh yeah, I saw in 1994 that an eye dr. close to us was going to perform cataract surgeries on folks without insurance. My father-in-law was almost blind, so I got in touch with the dr., got dad his visa, another long story short dad had the surgeries (both eyes for free, lens implants and everything!) I took care of dad for 2-1/2 months, he loved me. He said in front of his son, "Pearl takes better care of me than my own mother and father did!" Mr. Sneakybutt is so remorseful one minute, then blames me for everything the next. He's nuts! We saw our Priest, went twice to marriage counseling with a therapist through church, and it was a waste of time, imho. If I would have been living by my sister, in another state, or if my daughter would have been here to see what was going on, I wouldn't be paralyzed. Someone would have gotten me to the ER in time, no doubt at all on that score. (paragraph) Now everything is my fault. I'm the one, according to him, who tells our daughter "stupid things." Well, he shouldn't have done "stupid things!" She knew what he was up to when she was a teenager! He had promised on our 23rd wedding anniversary to take us on a short cruise for the 25th anniversary. The kid looked forward to that like you wouldn't believe, finally! We'd go someplace just like a REAL family! About 6 wks. before the anniversary, we tried to get him to make plans and reservations for the cruise. About that time he had just lost his job, and was on unemployment. "I don't have the money to take you anywhere!" A couple of weeks later he got a call that his father was dying--again (he'd say that when he wanted a visit!) Funny, the cruise for the 3 of us would have been hundreds less than his last-minute ticket to go "HOME." That's what he always said, "HOME." My kid hated that, and always told me, "Ma, his home's supposed to be here with us." I just need to hit the lotto at this point. Between meds and diapers, pads, wipes, creams, etc., dr. visits--there really is no extra money for me. If I could, I'd put aside even $25 per week, it just isn't there. (paragraph) Anyway, zuzu, thanks a million again for your good advice and for listening to me. To anyone else who is reading this and knows anyone who is planning to marry a foreigner--think about it long and hard. I was never good enough compared to anyone from his country! The fact that I am completely bilingual Spanish-English and got everyone visas and took care of everyone in his family, hey, that doesn't matter! He had his "amiga" 6 blocks from his house, where my in-laws lived until they died! He had to sneak around, forbidden fruit is so much sweeter. I don't care about the physical aspect anymore, obviously, I am paralyzed there! I'd just like to enjoy what's left of my life. I am making an effort to get out as much as I can. I drive with hand controls, I've been driving like this for 4 years, I can't feel or move my feet hardly at all. I wear AFO's, they're a blessing and a half! Tonight I went to a beading group meeting, that's once a month. Once a week I go out for 2 hrs. to an embroidery group. Those are things which I enjoy doing and which can be done while propped up at a 20 degree angle in my bed with a wedge pillow and a cervical pillow. Dangit, the neurosurgeon did get that right, grin! That's the only "comfortable" angle for me. Zuzu, thanks a million too for the film clip, I've never seen that move (he was too cheap even to take us to a movie, "watch what's on tv, it's free", so he'd have the money to see his cheatin' honey! Creepazoid!) I think I'll laugh inside every time I think of that clip! :-) Have a peaceful day, zuzu. Hugs, Pearl p.s. I really am getting a bit afraid of going out now with friends, a couple of weeks ago I had a major diaper accident due to the stupid Cauda Equina Syndrome and had to leave as soon as I got there, it was absolutely disgusting, frustrating, and what kills me is, totally unnecessary, if only my "best friend who loved me so much," my husband, would have stayed with me and helped me when I needed it most! I didn't have to be paralyzed!!! I will never forget how angry the neurosurgeon was right before he operated on me. He was flipping mad that I wasn't taken to the ER weeks before. I'm mad about it too!