Hi, I just came across your sad post and I wanted to say I hope you don't do anything rash and I hope you hang in there, even though you are facing a lot of crap. I just read that today 1/21/2013 is the most depressing day of the year, or the bluest day or something, so on top of everything else maybe you are just having an extra bad bad day and maybe you will feel a little better when some time passes. I don't have any words of wisdom but I want to send you a cosmic hug and I hope many blessings fall upon you. If you can ride horses I bet there are a lot of other amazing things you can do and have done also. A lot of people, myself included, are intimidated by horses. Peace, love and hugs to you.

I don't know much about that other then 've been experiencing this depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time now. Over a year I've been fighting the urge the only thing that keeps me going is my horses. Hoping maybe somewhere out there someone is willing to share the love I have for horses with me. I have no fear in breaking my back on a horse again I'd consider it an honor and would get right back on again it's the only thing that makes me feel whole. I love horses more then words should describe here so they're a huge part of my life, but I'm still missing something and I can't find it anywhere Someone to love, someone to sponsor me so I can compete in equestrian events and show the world that a disabled rider is just as good if not better then an able bodied rider. I have dreams but they seem hopeless because I don't have money and it's an expensive sport. However I would do anything to be given the chance to show what I have got at my fullest potential it would make me happy to meet and make friends with other horse enthusiasts especially disabled ones.

Hi Mikey,

My heart breaks that you are suffering so much and for such a long period of time. There are many issues you struggle with, but only two significant problems that interfere with your having a better quality of life. If we can deal with these problems with some care and efficiency, all the others might diminish in intensity.

First and foremost is your depression. Clearly this depression is made worse by your isolation and all of the physical problems you are dealing with, but at this point it is the depression itself that needs to be addressed. And certainly it needs to be addressed in a better way than it has been so far. Your mind/body is saying that you cannot tolerate this suffering. It sounds like you don't want to die as much as you want your suffering to end. By this point your poor brain and body have been so deprived of all of the good hormones it needs to experience joy.

I did some research and I found someone in Atlanta who offers the kind of psychotherapy I believe would be most helpful for you. Not only that, but when I looked on her webpage she talked about a dog that she rescued that she since had trained to become a therapy dog. I know dogs are not horses, they are much smaller among other things. But it does mean that she is and animal person in addition to being a psychotherapist. I know nothing about her other than her credentials, her type of therapy and her webpage. So here goes:
Stefanie Swan PhD
404-906-1862
Stefanie@StefanieSwan.com

of course the other major problem is your lack of close relationships, romantic and otherwise. I would begin with psychotherapy and as the depression diminishes, you might be more comfortable reaching out. And whether you do or not, I have a feeling you will meet more people.

I also have a friend and a cousin who are horse people and I will invite them to take a look at your postings to see if they have any ideas.

And finally, please stay in touch via this discussion, and or direct e-mail to me at:DrDanGottlieb@aol.com.

Ultimately, the decision to live or die is in your hands and I certainly respect that. But I encourage you to continue your pursuit of doing something about your depression so that you can at least be in a position to make a more clear decision that is less likely based on emotion.

I wish you peace

Mikey...I am so very sorry to hear about the pain and suffering you are going through. It is so difficult to even read about what you are feeling and experiencing right now.  I am, however, very glad you have made horses a strong part of  your life. I have been involved with them  since I was 5 years old. They have offered me a sense of purpose and  have enriched my life so very much. i would love to speak more with you about them...Not sure what is the best way to contact each other...You can send me an e mail at chunkoheaven@aol.com, if you wish. 

MIkey--I wonder if you have checked out any stables which offer riding as a therapeutic program. If you do..>They very well might have local shows where you can compete. I know because at one of those stable here in my area (outside of Philadelphia) I have been involved with offering my services to them (judging some of their classes.)  If they do not offer any shows, they might have an idea of where some shows would be held. The riding community is pretty close -nit, and I am sure you could get some help there! Good luck, Mindy

I am pasting below some information I received from my cousin who owns a farm in central Pennsylvania and cares for many horses-she is also a judge at horse shows:

"The organization he should contact is PATH - Professional Assn. of Therapeutic Horsemanship International.  They have a nice website and he can locate a farm near where he lives.
I saw another online - Chastain Horse Park, Atlanta, Ga.  404-252-4244"

Good luck and keep us posted!

Maybe this is a silly question, but are you medicated for the spasms? And do you have bladder spasms as well? I know how depressing bladder problems can be, but there are solutions. I fractured my T10/T11 vertebrae in a car accident in August 2008. Two years afterward, I was recovering pretty well, but I went into a major black hole of depression because my bladder problems were so out of control that it seemed like I couldn't go anywhere without peeing my pants, and I felt such shame about it. I went to a urologist and got diagnosed and treated for overactive bladder (which I guess is common among people with paralysis), and went back on the antidepressant medications which I had previously stopped taking. I also started talking to people I trusted about the bladder problems, and this helped to normalize it in my head so that it didn't feel like such a disaster every time I had an accident. It took a few years for me to discover that even though my old life was over and things would never be the same, it was in some ways an amazing opportunity to build something else that could be just as good. I know that reading those words doesn't change anything right now, but I hope that you can take them to heart. Glad to hear that you have a bright spot in your horses. I know my cats can be such good friends, especially since they aren't fazed by the wheelchair the way that people seem to be sometimes. Hope things look up, I will be praying for you. 

You said you are done with this life !! Myself one day I tried to end my life.
I failed obviously , and strangely enough this trial has cure me from trying again.
Too much inside pressure which needed to be released I guess.
Now I have several projects , and I guess this is what help me most.
I try to heal myself ( Dr Dan know about it) I try also to forecast other things like be 
more and more usefull instead of waiting for things to happen.
You are a lucky guy with your love for horses, and it seems that you have some !!
Do you ride them ? I saw the other day a paraplegic which had made a special equipment for riding again. The point is you should feel helpfull again. ( I tried myself to talk about healing but nobody like it ) .I would love to have horses but it is not possible , my next project is orchids culture , it will take some time to set up an environment for that.
So stick to your interests and see how it develops .

Good luck.

Patrick

Sorry for the bad reading, you said that you are riding your horses.
May be you should start a project for riding horses for disabled people.
You will find yourself usefull and also you will find friends.
This will take care of you beeing lonely !!

Good luck.

Patrick.

Doesn't Shepherd Center have a therapeutic riding program?  Maybe you're the man to start one if they don't. Our son Jon (c5/6) got injured in INdia in 2006, and even there they have therapeutic riding, at least when the weather permits. (We go there yearly from CT, and are now starting a house for former patients, as community is really important.) I agree with others that starting a disability riding program/or helping to expand existing riding programs to include those w/ disabilities would be great, but obviously you need others to help you. Let your own needs propel you to help others meet their needs too.  Maybe there are others at Shepherd Center, if you visit patients there, who'd be interested in joining you.  Please consider checking out our son's movie on our website www.escip.org. Have you tried herbal teas or Calm,(magnesium and calcium) to help w/ sleep?Vicky, Mother of a quad

Hi, Mikey!

Welcme here!

I am glad you reached out in our community. You can see by the responses that others do care and can help you past these rough patches.

I am an information specialist at the PRC. I can send you some information and resources on therapeutic riding.

Also, if you'd be open to it, I can see if there is a someone available through our peer mentor program who can contact you either by phone or in person (if there is someone in your area).

Please feel free to call me at (800) 539-7309 x7202 or email me at dlowich@christopherreeve.org.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,
Donna

Sorry for the late replies I find it harder to even get on the computer these days. I feel pretty lame complaining like this, but hey everyone vents at some point in time or another I just hope that's all this is. I've got a decent team or doctors that do work with me, but I've had to wait almost 6 months to see a urologist and I really can't take much more of the problems I have with my bladder and bowels. I'd say decent because honestly some of my doctors don't have any answers or can't offer me any help which leaves one feeling hopeless on that subject matter. Yes I have a place that I ride at which one awesome therapist at the Shepherd Center helped me get in touch with since Chastain Horse Park is kind of a mess. I've even been featured on the news with my horse and have honestly made tremendous amounts of physical recovery as well as mental recovery. There is still alot missing though and I can't put the pieces together. You can watch it here http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/18370933/little-creek-horse-farm-provides I've been riding here for a little over two years. I honestly want to go further with it though as I have a very competitive spirit and horses are afterall my spirit animal. To sum things up I feel like a horse would alone in a pasture with no friends. Although the internet gives me an outlet to meet wonderful people like you. The chances of it becoming much of a reality are slim, but I still have hope and keep pushing on. I just really can't stand seeing how much of a burden I've been on those closest to me and seeing those close to me grow further apart because mentally I've changed not just physically. I'm only ever happy when I'm on a horse truly so in a sense that is ONE of the only things that keeps me going each week is getting to go see and experience the unique pleasure of having a relationship with a horse. It's hard for me to reply to all of this so if anyone wants to directly contact me do so at mikeinsght@aol.com and just leave a subject in there so I know it isn't spam and I'll try and get back as fast as I can. Thank you all for the advice and links. Thanks Dr Dan and thank you Mindy it would be nice to chat sometime. I'll try and send you an email when I get a chance. -Mike

If you can find some way to further me from just therapeutic riding and into a competitive level of riding or something of that nature. I ride at a place called Little Creek which is actually not far from the Shepherd Center and that's who they work with now more then Chastain because the facilities are nicer. It's city owned and there are over 40 horses and the therapists are all NARHA certified or PATH certified. I am a high functioning l1-l2 incomplete who is capable of mounting myself on any sized horse and dismounting. My riding abilities are far above those of even most able bodied riders. I just don't get to push my limits it feels like they are holding me back and don't want me to get hurt again. The last thing on my mind while running or riding on a horse is getting hurt again and I have absolutely no fear of it. There won't be anything as bad as being run over by the person you loved the most's truck and remembering every moment of it. Neuropathic pain I wish that was all I had to deal with, but no my pain comes in the form of mental anguish and extreme physical pain that I am learning to get used to. I am not however used to having no goals to work towards as other sports don't really interest me the way horses do. So anything you can do for me would be of great value. Horses saved my life literally if it wasn't for Scout I wouldn't be here typing this to you I would have honestly chosen the easy way out, but our paths crossed and my life was again forever changed. I've been riding horses for over 14 years of my life and being as poor as I am doesn't make it very easy for me to live this kind of a lifestyle. It's very taxing on my family and I wish more then anything I could give something back in return. This I know was a gift to me and I'm not even a very religious person spiritual yes, it's obvious that horses are my spirit animal and have guided me through this roller coaster of life. Donna thank you I honestly do need to learn how to integrate back into society and am having a hard time doing so. Again I'm just lucky enough to have this but I want to go further. My 3 years will be coming up soon and they used to say it takes about 2 years to get used to it. I believe I won't ever get used to it and instead I have to try and find things to distract myself from that and riding horses and working with them is exactly what does that for me.

Hello Mikey,                   It sounds like you certainly should continue to work with your physicians and they might find better medications for you. Sometimes it takes years until you find one that works right for you. Depression is so heartbreaking and painful to get through alone. Please reach out to anyone you can if only to have a conversation. I love horses and never owned my own but went riding often. The feeling of freedom you feel especially when you love horses is beyond any words. Since this is something that brings you joy and happiness please never give up your personal dreams and passion. You will find that so many people on this site will reach out to you with ideas. I have no doubt that you can get out there and get involved and do great things. Follow this love you have for horses and hopefully other wonderful things will follow you. Friends are out there just waiting to meet you. All of us that are handicapped face so many issues each day.  When you connect with some good friends and feel the horses against your skin it will be so worth it again. I wish you all my best and share your love of horses. They are such special gifts that we have. I have friends in Georgia that I am going to speak to about the area you're in. If you watch videos you might want to watch some about horses. Take care Mikey,  Donna Let us know through this site if you recieve any monthly horse magazines,

Thanks for the advice it's been so long since I've had to wait to see a urologist even with multiple trips to the ER. I can maybe get about 3 hours of sleep a night if I'm lucky and that has alot to do with how I feel being awake forever is no joke *doesn't understand why anyone would do meth lol* okay no seriously it's to the point of where it's causing me serious mental and physical problems lack of sleep from my bladder. I am lucky that I have a very strong trunk and I am able to empty my bladder with my stomach muscles. However, it comes with a price and I the strain that puts on my body can't be healthy and I'll likely have to someday cath myself again which I cannot stand because I can feel my bladder. Not even being able to literally feel the rest of it so to speak I mentally can and I once had a nurse cause me a very serious infection in a testicle due to being negligent when having to cath me. That literally ended ever using IC's again for me as I literally almost lost a nut. I can feel my nuts and damn I can't say how thankful I am for the first time I noticed that. I don't take my anti depressent medications because I've had alot of bad side effects from them and also don't want any weight gain because I ride horses. Not that larger people can't ride horses but it's also just better that I stay where I'm at. My bladder spasms are painful and that's the main problem. It's not neropathic pain either its seriously like someone punching me in the flank pain and even if I was drunk as a skunk it would wake me up that's how bad it hurts. I don't know why and have never found a remedy for the pain.

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/18370933/little-creek-horse-farm-provides

I'm connected with the wonderful people at Stride Ahead, but as I explained earlier I'd like to take it past just therapeutic riding and actually compete. I find it frustrating that being disabled or in a wheelchair and being a horseback riding people do not look at you as the same. I am literally a much more skilled rider then many of the other able bodied riders out there. Alot of it is not having the money I suppose as it's an expensive sport. I'd like to get my competitive spirit back and would love to do so through riding horses. I'm trying to but the battle in my own mind isn't an easy one to win either so I'm kinda just stuck in the middle right now. Thanks though

Mikey I would definitely go to a urologist as soon as you can. I know how unpleasant cath'ing was for me in the hospital (some of the nurses were totally unskilled with inserting the catheter, so it would take them several tries before they could do it, and they gave me infections twice!) but you're much less likely to infect yourself (since most of what you have is your own germs), and this is especially true if you're careful about using hand sanitizer first. I drink lots of acidic stuff to prevent the infections and try to be careful about cleaning my hands before I cath. I haven't had a bladder infection in two years now. I'm able to feel my bladder and to pee by straining too, but unfortunately doing that doesn't completely empty the bladder (for me anyway), which might be part of why it wakes you up so often. If your bladder is painful, there is probably a reason for that, and that's something only a urologist can tell you for sure. I know going to the doctor can be a hassle (I avoid it as much as possible myself) but sometimes they have good solutions that can help. 

Mikey, There's an amazing urologist at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center in Winston Salem NC who understands bladders that spasm and cause the frequent urge to urinate.  His name is Dr. Robert Evans.  You may be able to get your urologist to consult with him about your situation.  It's different to work with bladders of people with spinal cord injuries than those without.  I have both bladder spasms and pain in my bladder that feels like there's cactus inside playing tennis, as well as deep pain that feels like acid burning sometimes from my toes to the ends of my hair.  The spasms are helped by a medication called Urispas 100mg 2 times a day, and the pain is helped by Pyridium 200mg 3 times a day.  Dr. Evans also prefers that I take Amitriptyline 25 - 75mg at night to help with sleep and pain, but I don't do that like I should because of the morning hangover it causes, and as you mentioned, weight gain.  I do take Effexor 75mg twice a day, and use Ambien XR 6.25mg at night for sleep.  I don't have any paralysis, these meds are for the treatment of Interstitial Cystitis (a bladder disorder) and Fibromyalgia.  I know how frustrating it can be to have your day and sleep interrupted by frequent trips to the bathroom, and the pain from spasms in your bladder, pelvic area, gut, crotch, lower back.  Finding the right meds combo that works to lessen the discomfort is sometimes quite difficult and takes several tries to get the ones that work.  But once you get them right, it's much better and tolerable.  Really!  You may want to try ice packs or heating pads too, I prefer head myself, and laying on the couch or bed to get pressure off my bladder.  Make sure that you don't have an infection if you have the firey pain more than a few days in a row,  Then check out this website, http://www.jeromedavis.com/events.aspx  Jerome Davis is a cowboy roper who was injured while riding several years ago.  He has a ranch in NC and still trains riders and attends events.  You may want to contact him and talk about work you can do in the area of riding, ranching, farming, or ask about job opportunities on his ranch.  NC has lots of great teaching hospitals with research studies going on all the time, and of course Dr. Evans is here too.  It's good you posted on this site, as you see many people offer assistance and suggestions to possibly get you started moving beyond a riding ring.  I hope you find some of these ideas work for you. Deborah

One of the many things I love about humans is what's happening here. We have one human in despair opening his heart to a bunch of other humans who understand. And then those other humans reach out and energy and care and compassion gets mobilized.
As a poet once said  Competence intimidates,Control separates,And sadness,Sadness opens us each to the other.

I think the important teaching here is when we are vulnerable and open our hearts about our suffering, other humans reach out-it's a natural process and it's wonderful to be part of.

Mikey, on a more mundane note may I suggest something about the depression? First of all, isolation, lack of sleep and feeling helpless all contribute to depression. At the moment, you are working on all three of those but you still might need some medication. When I went through my deep depression, I found that every SSRI (the family that includes Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa and others) every one of these drugs made my spasms so much worse I couldn't drive.

There are other drugs on the market and some of the older drugs are just as effective as these newer ones. You will have to consult your doctor about this. As far as sleep is concerned, I have been taking trazodone which, in higher doses, is also an effective antidepressant. And in lower doses really helps me sleep and also boosts my serotonin in the process. So please consult your doctor about this too.

Thank you so much for opening this discussion up, for opening your life to us and reaching out. You have done a service to yourself and to the rest of us.

Hi Mikey,                           Hope today brought you some peace and joy. As you can see there are so many people reaching out to you as friends who really care. Hopefully you can follow up on many of these contacts that were sent to you. I know it is not an easy thing when you are in pain. I have many friends and family members that had to try many different medications before they found one that truly worked. You have many things going on right now that need to be addressed. You need to sleep and get help with your bladder issues since from experience these problems will just make matters worse. One day at a time and hopefully each one of those days will get better for you. You need to get better and get out with the horses. Donna

my heart went out to you when I read this. it's so funny because I've been struggling with my paralyzed son lately talking about suicide. his name is Jeff he's 35 when he was 16 he was a victim of a crime he had 2 friends with him and his brother which was 15. they were on their way home from an arcade when a 21 year old boy came up and asked for a ride to another town about 30 minutes away. at first he said no and then the boy talkex him into it so they went. when they arrived at the park there was a car waiting and they open fire killing that 21 year old and then killing my son's best friend sitting in the passenger seat shot him twice in the head then they shot my son it went in his arm so another 1 that was on the other side of the car stab him in the back twice at the T 2 level severed his spinal cord. it has been almost 19 years of hell the last 5 years have been really bad he has a baclofen pump implanted which has caused so many problems on its own he has a pressure sore on his tailbone for 2 years now it won't heal he is in excruciating pain every single day about every 2 days they put iv in and give him a cocktail of diladid and ativan and he has diladid in his pump mixed with the baclofen. all the doctors treat him like he's a drug addict off the street that is coming in just to get high. they treat him and talk to him like he was just worthless, they have actually told him oh go home and be a normal sick person or you're in here just for these drugs and it's got to stop it is so horrible he is so depressed because of it that he just said he wants to just .die and I can't blame him . he suffers from autonomic dysreflexia terrible his blood pressure has been 300 over 200 before and they said at the ER oh you're the reason he's having this high blood pressure because I lose it sometimes he doesn't have any real friends either, and the girls they come and go as soon as they see how sick he is or how much well I'm trying to do this on my phone is not easy so I think I'll stop now and write more later work it takes

Hello, I understand in a sense how you are feeling. But you can't give up. Whatever it is that keeps you going you must hold on to that. Better days will be here. Have you checked out any spinal cord or therapeutic recreation facilities. Maybe the sheperd center has events you may want to attend. Or Maybe even Project Walk Atlanta. PW is new here to the Atlanta area.

Hi Mikey. I live in Atlanta. I am paraplegic. Just want to offer my friendship. I have been in a wheelchair for 3 years. my e-mail vpiscopo@bellsouth.net

hi Mikey,
what a great resources you have been getting. I also know you are in touch with my friend who has her own small stable and is researching resources for you/with you. And I'm thrilled to hear there is someone living in Atlanta that you can connect with.

So how about an update?