"The Sessions" is a recently released film based on an essay written by Mark O'Brien, a man who was paralyzed from the neck down due to polio. We get to know him when he is already an adult and lives his life on a gurney as he sleeps and works in an iron lung only able to live without it three hours a day. At the age of 38, he decided to hire a sexual surrogate so that he can lose his virginity.
Seeing films like these are always a bit uncomfortable as I am typically the only person in the theater who is in a wheelchair. I saw this film with my significant other, a woman I love and trust very much. And in our many discussions about this, Joan also talked about her trepidation and fear of feeling exposed. But after some thought and reflection, we both decided to go.
The film opens when Mark, who lives alone, decides to fire his caretaker because she treats him like it's a job not like he is a person. The new one he hires is a very young and vibrant young woman who goes shopping with him and spends time just "hanging out". Pretty soon he falls in love with her-perhaps for the first time in his life. And she loves him, but more than she is aware, so she must leave. Heartbreak ensues but rather than self-pity, he decides he wants to lose his virginity.
This seems with the sexual surrogate were explicit but not lewd. It really depicted what probably happened. Most of us in wheelchairs know about the fear and insecurity. We know about not feeling good enough and the fear and frustration of not experiencing sex as an "equal partner". And as a result, most of us feel unlovable as we begin exploring sexuality and intimacy.
Mark was all of these things, but he was something else also. He was open to his life. He lived it with joy and was a keen observer of life as depicted in his poetry. He was vulnerable, fragile and he knew it. And he didn't pretend he was not. Of course it would be tough for a guy in an iron lung to pretend he wasn't vulnerable! But then again, I know lots of people who are obviously vulnerable who pretend that they aren't.
Joan and I thought this movie was about sex. And although we were both uncomfortable having that part of our lives on film, we both secretly hoped that maybe we could get some tips about other stuff we could do! Well, we didn't.
"The Sessions" wasn't about sex even though sex was the central issue. It was about relationships. Between Mark's essay and the director, they know what intimacy really means beyond sex and body functions. Beyond having a relationship that is quid pro quo, beyond one's own needs. They know that intimacy is about having the courage to remove your mask.
Joan and I left the theater both feeling understood. What a gift.