Hi Patrick......my name is Norma.....and I sure don't have any answers......I just read your post and thought I'd share some things with you. I've been a paraplegic since I'm 40........just turned 70 last month. I've had my down days.......I certainly can relate to being a financial drain.......and a drain for the family in many ways. But......I'd bet if you asked any of your own family and friends.......they wouldn't see it that way. They'd probably be appalled to hear you call yourself......a worthless piece of flesh. You know why........because we're made up of more than just flesh and blood. There's a spirit in you that is......uniquely yours. When I'm feeling down.......and a drain on my family.......I try to remember that I am more to them than that. They love me.......whether I feel lovable or not.........and it's the spirit they connect with......and me to them. So......that's really all I wanted to say..........that and....it'll get better. You can be sure of one thing..............life changes.............oh..............and, hi......I'm happy to meet you..............................Norma

Mind , Spirit & Soul - my friend ,you have it all. I am 40 months post injury (C3 - Complete) and find I must keep my mind occupied - taking a couple classes at a local community college, attend church more often, joined a local club (knights-of-columbus), take a nightly roll around the neighborhood - to catch up on the latest, co-chair a local SCI support group - that I started at the rehab center , where I receive OT/PT twice a week. - I Just try to give back a little of what the lord left me.

Just wanted to share what works for me -
Sea3

Hi Patrick,

I am so sorry for your suffering. And is there hope? Depends on what you are hoping for. There is no hope that yesterday will be back or that you will be able to do those things you once enjoyed doing. Probably no hope that your body will change dramatically.

I think sometimes hope can destroy us. So many of us go home and deep down inside hold on to hope that one day something will change. And that keeps us locked in a cycle of misery and futility and anger.

But an author once described hope as "the belief that tomorrow can be better than today". That I am comfortable with. However, you and I have minds and our minds load all sorts of crap onto "the belief…". We tell ourselves that tomorrow will be better than today if this happens or that happens. But imagine believing in your heart that you could feel better about the life you have tomorrow or the next day. Imagine believing that one day you will not suffer this consistently but you will have other dimensions to your life also.

How do you get there? Same way we get to Carnegie Hall – practice. (Okay I know the metaphor doesn't work for us, but be gentle with me).

First you have to make a decision to live the life you have instead of holding out for the life you want. This decision is difficult and very very painful. But once you have made that decision, more doors are open.

And then I would want you to create a dream for your life. Not a five-year plan or a job description, just a dream. Imagine yourself five years from now feeling happy that you have a life and grateful for all that have helped you sustain it. Now try to hold that feeling if just for a few seconds and imagine what you have done these past five years that make you so grateful.

It's possible, but not without hard work. Please keep us posted and as a fellow quadriplegic and a fellow human, please do the work. And by the way, 62 years is really no big deal. Brains can change from birth until death. And hearts can open every day of our lives

As I read your post, I Admire u for the courage u have had. Remind yourself of the things that get u through the rough times. I too feel low and so I can empathize with you. I would like to hear more from u.

    Thanks Dan and all. I appreciate everyones concern. It just seems so hopeless at times. I try to stay up, but it is so difficult.  Thanks again to all of you.

Hi Patrick just wondering how u were feeling? I got to listen/talk to Dan Gottlieb today with his talk, it was interesting. Have a good night!

Hi Patrick - your despair touches me.  My husband is a C/7-T1 incomplete, and he too was told to "accept" and move on.  I understand that that is right for many people, but it was not right for him.  Like you he was a highly physical man.  From the beginning, helpless in his chair, he reared up with fire in his belly and insisted, I WILL WALK AGAIN.  

I know this all sounds trite, but we are all different.  Do we work to recover because we "know" we can, or do we work and then recover?  All I know is that for him, opportunities on the cutting edge have presented themselves over and over.  He has "asked" for these.  He "sees" himself walking, fully functional, and this has a vitality to it that fuels him every day.  

It has been 6 years and he continues to make progress.  This is not passive return, this is hours and hours of active, well-orchestrated nervous system retraining, in the model of Project Walk, along with the inner work on both an emotional level and in the quantum realms.  What he does does not fit into any conventional model.  It is hard to talk about, but it is real, and it works.

We were told in the VA that going to Project Walk was instilling false hope, and that that was cruel.  I know their intentions were kind, but when you have had everything taken away from you, THAT is cruelty.  We would rather risk disappointment than do nothing, but that is just us.

I could say so much more, to you or to anyone, but this is such a sensitive subject, and not always well received.  My husband is not walking yet, but it is just a matter of time.  BTW, he is 67.

A-T

I can understand your problem very well. It's a good thing that you are not suicidal or something. There are many ways to get out depression and start living a healthy life. I may advice you to forget what happened in past and open up yourself like interacting with new peoples around you, joining a health or social club where you can meet new peoples. This can divert your mind towards positive thing. You can also start practicinf yoga or meditation which are well known for keeping our mind strong and at peace.

Hi Patrick,

a-t mentioned that "project walk" was giving false hope. That depends. If the purpose of engaging in activities like this is to reach a specific goal you have in mind, then you are setting yourself up for frustration.

When I was doing a lot of physical therapy, I knew I would never walk again and doubted there would be any functional improvement. Nevertheless, I continued (mostly because I tend to be compulsive). And when I look back on it in hindsight, the process itself felt really good. I love exerting myself and I enjoyed conversation with my physical therapist.

Anyway, it seems like your brain/mind wanders back and forth between depression and despair. Your paralysis might not show significant improvement over the years, but your depression sure can. Lots of people will give you lots of advice about all the things you can and should do. I don't know about you, but when my depression was as bad as yours apparently was, I didn't have the wherewithal to do anything much on my behalf.

So I started to see a psychiatrist and found a medication that began to work a bit. And when my depression diminished a bit and I could see slivers of sunlight piercing through the blackness, I was able to open up with friends and share more about my fears for my future. And when I felt heard and cared for (like you are being cared for through this discussion), I was able to envision a life that could bring benefit to others.

Please please stay connected to us through this discussion. And please consider seeing a shrink other than yours truly.

Take care