hi Fran,

I'm sorry to hear about all of the conflict and animosity in your family. Sounds like it has been going on for many years but got worse following your father's paralysis.
Webster defines forgiveness as "letting go of resentment". That's all. It has nothing to do with the behavior of the other person, it's just about your own resentment.
Of course, that's easier said than done. I wouldn't even try to forgive until you feel fully ready. Because if you are not ready, not only will you be able to do it, it will make you feel worse about yourself.
It sounds like you are feeling all sorts of emotions ranging from anger to betrayal to helplessness and back again. So the first place to begin is with you. I would courage you to change the focus of your life from your sisters and father to you. You need compassion and kindness. So please do whatever you need to do to care for your mind/body.

When you are feeling better, I would second zuzu's recommendation that you all meet with a family counselor and see if you can agree on a common goal.

These situations are always complicated, painful and difficult to resolve. And they require the genuine commitment of all parties

I absolutely agree with Dan and ZuZu but want to share with you an additional viewpoint. I have had many opportunities in the last few years to explore answers to questions similar to yours. I have found it liberating to realize that I am not responsible for bearing the burden of judgement on anyone, that judging is God's job. Therefore I can forgive (not necessarily forget, but truly forgive) because I don't know all of the details and motivations that the other people are dealing with, nor do I have to.

My spiritual growth comes from joining a non-denominational church made up of people who follow Jesus. Much different than the congregation I grew up in, but also much more open to people of all abilities and economic levels. I believe the answers to everything lie in the Bibile, that the Gospels are a good place to start and that I have a long way to go. My heart goes out to you, and my prayers are with you as you journey ahead with your family and fantastic father.

So Fran,

It seems that one of the themes that keeps coming up is that of "letting go". Personally, I have found that peace happens not when we have won battles, but when we have stopped fighting.
Of course all of that is easier said then done. Especially when we have an emotional or financial interest in the outcome. So let me be atypical psychotherapist and ask you some questions.
What would it mean to you if you just gave up this struggle and allowed it to play out? What do you need to do to be at peace with what's happening?

I talked a great deal on these pages about compassion for self and others. Please understand what parts of you are in pain and find compassion for the woman who suffers. And then understand the level of disturbance in your family. Try to see it has borne of anxiety and insecurity. People who are battling over issues in hopes that they will feel less anxious. But you and I both know that this battle will never result in well-being. So perhaps you could find some understanding for the woman who suffers and the siblings who are so anxious and insecure. All steps on the path to peace.

Thank you so much for your input.  My dad does have a Guardian now for his finances and I am happy with that.  My sisters continue to have their attorney ask for individual receipts for alot of purchases.  I told my lawyer that I am done providing information to them.  If they want more they can pay for their own attorney fee's and get them.  My father has had to pay for all of their attorney fee's so they just keep asking for more. Even though a forensic accountant has already gone over 3 years of finances and I gave them my flash drive from my computer that wasn't good enough for them. 

hi Fran,

So those are the facts of what's happening with your father's estate and your siblings. But what's happening with you? It sounds like there might be a good deal of resentment and anger remaining? If so, is this where you would like to be? I've said elsewhere that anger is a judicial emotion – a reaction to injustice. So does what's happening now feel just to you? And if not, is there anything you can do or must you just let go?

So please tell us more about you and how you are doing

Thanks so much

Hi,
I am doing ok.  I am a little frustrated with the guardian.  I have to pay for all of my dad's expenses and then get reimbursed from the guardian.  I just took a class on people with disabilities and the teacher mentioned that my dad should of talked to the judge before getting a guardian.  I am checking into that because he never talked to a judge.  My sisters have hurt me and my dad.  My main concern is my dad.  He has been getting so angry at all of us.  He continues to dwell on the guardian.  He said that he lives in America and they should of never taken his rights away.  There is alot of hate inside of me and I am trying to forget about my sisters, they will never be in my life again.  I need to focus on my family and making sure my dad has a fun and happy life.  I do not believe in the justice system at this time in my life. 
Thanks
Fran

I was fortunate when I become paralyzed my family rallied together to help me with the hospitalization by taking shifts to stay with me.  After my return home they continued to come and help on scheduled visits.  SInce things have calmed down our family makes time to get together for a picnic, happy hour, or just social time. 

I believe god gave me a gift when I was injured and I have worked through it, not that I don't still get angry ever.  But the gift that came out of it was to bring our family back to what is important and that is to spend time together and love one another. 

Hi Fran,

This situation just sounds awful for you at so many levels. I've said before that when I am in a very dark place, I want to be with people who love me enough to sit in there with me rather than people who give me advice I don't ask for.
It is my fervent wish that you have such people in your life. People who love you and will offer you constant companionship through this ordeal.
And even though I just said I shouldn't offer advice – please remember that what you were going through is simply what's happening at this point in your life and what will be happening at the next point in your life may be completely different.

Sorry about the unsolicited advice, I think it comes either from my choice of profession or my ethnicity!

Hi,
I appreciate any advice I receive.  It would be so nice if everything was over with my family fighting.  Even though the court order assigned me to be my dad's guardian of the person, my sister keeps taking it back to court to get me away from my dad.  She not only wants me to resign from my guardian duties, but she also wants me to be fired as my dad's caregiver along with other family members.  My dad doesn't want strangers with him during the day.  When will it stop?  Having a law that states all attorney fee's will be paid for by my dad just keeps letting my sister go back and forth to court with new complaints.  It has already costs my dad $80,000.  When will it be enough?
Thanks
Fran

Fran, I am so sorry for you and your father. I don't want to play lawyer, but if she keeps challenging the same thing, shouldn't she be paying legal fees?

You would think that my dad's lawyer would be questioning that, I have been asking that same thing.  Today I took my dad to get a new lawyer.  I go to see a new lawyer on Monday.  My sisters just had me served with new court papers yesterday.  Now they don't want any family members or my dad's girlfriend being his caregiver.  They think that we influence my dad too much.  My sisters can't understand why my dad doesn't want to see them at this time.  My dad doesn't like strangers caring for him during the day.  This would kill him.
Fran

you know the the prayer that AA made famous: God grant me the serenity…
The problem is there are some things that are easier to let go of then others. This is an injustice that is happening to your father and you.
You talked about your hatred eating you up in your original post. It is my belief that anger is the reaction to injustice. So don't expect yourself to give up your anger so quickly. But perhaps you could use that energy to fight a different kind of fight and a different kind of way.
I think I said in my initial reaction to you that forgiveness is about letting go of resentment. Sounds great on paper but I doubt you will be able to let go of your resentment until this issue is resolved one way or the other.
A couple of generations ago we had wise old aunts and uncles and grandparents in the neighborhood who we could go to for counsel and guidance. These days we have life coaches and therapists. But I would love you to be able to sit down with somebody who's wisdom and judgment you trust and think about what can be done for you and your father.
I would be glad to be your old uncle temporarily, but I am having difficulty getting the bigger picture and I think that might have to be done face-to-face.
Take care of you

I know all about anger it's what I live on when I could walk and even more so now that I can't I have people who help me but no one who knows or understands what I am going through I don't know any other people in my town like me

Charles, Bakersfield is a fairly large city and there are others like you in town, they just don't get out to the same places you do at the same time.  Just like you, some are angry, depressed, or just find it too difficult to go hang out somewhere.  But you'd be really surprised how many in your town, and around your same age, are dealing with a similar injury.  So I put "SCI support group Bakersfield CA" into my search field and this is the first thing that came up:
Please call for more information on dates and times of the support groups.
Meeting place:
5001 Commerce Drive
Bakersfield, CA 93309
661-834-2086

I lived in CA years ago, but never in the Bakersfield area.  I just bet there are other places that have support groups.  Look under TBI/SCI; or look under MS, ALS, Parkinsons.  I realize that those groups may not be exactly the same as your situation, but a man or older woman who is in a chair has had to deal with many of the same issues you face now, as you point out, you can't walk anymore and that makes you even more angry than you were before.  My Mom had an accident leaving her a quad when she was 71, and it's been 10 years now.  She was a really active person, loved to travel, was busy all the time, helping people, volunteering.  She's still angry that she can't walk, really angry.  She's still depressed, fighting the idea that she's not getting out of that chair.  I have tried to encourage her to go to a group to talk to others, people who understand what it's like to lose their freedom to even wipe their own nose or butt, that have to rely on others for everything.  EVERYTHING.  And the fear she has of being left alone.  It's beyond my imagination.  I wish she could talk to someone like you and share her anger with you and you with her, because you'd get it, and she could let it go and it would be safe with you.  Call this group, or call the rehab place you went to in B'field, or the local hospital and ask for their social worker to refer you to a group.  Please Charles, find a support group of others to talk to, and look for a counselor to talk to also.  You need to understand where your anger comes from and how to resolve that anger, move it out of your life and use all that energy to focus on a goal, a motivation that makes you feel positive from this point on.  Use the same energy, the same passion, that fuels your anger and fuel a passion that is positive and moves you forward in your life.  There are so many things you can do, even in a chair, don't lock yourself away from people, from the world, either physically, emotionally or with anger by building a wall around yourself and not letting good inside.  My Mom had a giving, loving, encouraging life, and it's been difficult to see these last ten wasted on anger, walled off inside her home from everything she loved.  You have years of potential ahead of you Charles, don't waste time on anger.  Find out how to get rid of it and move forward so you are calm and settled inside.  Then people like you will seek you out and find you, you will draw like people to you, and that will be good.
Deborah

I would like to talk to her maybe we could help each other and I know that here in bako there is not much for someone like me to do

Hey Charles,

I will let you in on a little secret – one that will not be made public for a couple of weeks. We are planning on turning these discussions into video/audio once a month starting in early October. This is not as good as real direct person-to-person contact – not by a long stretch. But it is a more intimate way to connect with one another. It just takes us a step closer to one another.

We all need to be with kindred spirits, it does make life easier and gives us a safe place where we don't have to explain ourselves.
But if we can turn our attention to the experience of others, we might find ourselves broadening our definition of kindred spirits.
I think that's why helping other living beings that need our help is so healing for so many.

Meanwhile, I hope you find those kindred spirits in Bakersfield also. But one way or the other, I hope to see you at our first video/audio chat.

Charles,
I've started contacting a few resources in the Bakersfield area to find out if I can't get you hooked up with some cool sport group, or a couple of other people in your area that you can be with in person too.  When I get positive information I'll share it with you, and I don't think it will take long.  In the meantime like Dr. Dan said there are plans afoot to make staying in touch more personal.  I had been looking at all the stuff on the internet about the Paralympics and it's amazing to see how strong and fast and fun their sport attitude is.  If you type Paralympics in the search spot it'll come up with links to the sports they've done.  I know up in Santa Rosa they have wheelchair basketball and floor volleyball.  Give me a week or two and I'll try to get you hooked up with some people who aren't too boring or sweet, cushy.  Let's see if we can't get some of this angry energy worked out physically, at the same time we find people for you to hang with that you feel comfortable talking to, ok?

Charles,
This is information I got from some people in Bakersfield.  I want to give you the information I have now while I check on other stuff they suggested.  One lady had a bunch of suggestions, so here you go :
Independent Living Center -  www.ilcofkerncounty.org has several programs that can help you and they are expecting your call.  You can talk to Christine Lollar who is the Resource Development Manager of the INDEPENDENT LIVING CENTER OF KERN COUNTY.  Her phone number is 661 325 1063 X 26.  Their website is   She had these suggestions -
- computer classes the first and third Tuesday of each month at 2pm
- independent living classes (money management, wellness, and microwave magic) the second and fourth Thursdays of each month at 2pm, followed by a peer group
- Team Advocacy group that meets the third Wednesday of each month at 1pm
- a number of opportunities (large art project - community mural) coming up next year that he may be interested in

- We just hosted a big minor league baseball game, Rolling Chariots came out and played basketball
- ice sledding with youngsters, a wheelchair camp, and a bowling tournament coming up this month

She wrote, "Special Project Coordinator Harvey Clowers who is on our staff and a part of Rolling Chariots (a wheelchair basketball team). Harvey is very personable and encouraging (and happens also to use a wheelchair), so he would be a good individual to connect with the young man you mentioned.  Harvey can be reached at harvey@ilcofkerncounty.org and 661-325-1063."

I hope you will contact Harvey and Christine about the programs they have.  Understand that these are not all old people or ones that have dementia or mental disabilities.  Many of them are young people like you who want to make their life exciting, competitive and challenging.  If you've watched any of the Paralympics videos you'll notice they are on the field to compete, not to sit around holding onto anger.  I also noticed that they have a dog assistance program, something I'd thought about suggesting to you.  You may find that a companion dog could help you with some of the daily living activities that hinder your independence, as well as fills your need for understanding and acceptance.  They are remarkable creatures and can help so much in your recovery and helping in your daily life.  Here's their website - e - www.ilcofkerncounty.org

And about the anger and needing to talk to others that you mentioned, she send me a pdf file about their Consumer Family Learning Center where they have support groups where you could talk to others who are trying to deal with loss and situational difficulties.  All these programs are free and they offer transportation to and from your home.   You can look at this website to see what they offer and call to talk about which groups you may find helpful - www.co.kern.ca.us/kcmh

I'll have a little more as I get the other request for information out.  Please take time to call or email Harvey.  I think that you'll find a friend. 
And think about going to the -
CAL DIEGO PVA /GOLDEN STATE OPEN Bowling Tournament
SEPTEMBER 21-23, 2012
AMF Southwest Lanes in Bakersfield, CA.
Friday, September 21   12:00PM
Friday, September 21 6:00PM
Saturday, September 22 10:00AM-1:30PM
Sunday, September 23 10:00AM
FOR MORE INFORMATION, CALL TOURNAMENT DIRECTOR
HARVEY CLOWERS (616) 342-6544
AMF Southwest Lanes
3610 Wible Rd Bakersfield, CA 93309
(661) 834-2695

Be in touch soon.

Thank you very much I will contact them asap

zuzu, you are incredible! If everyone in the world had friends like you, there would be peace on earth.
Meanwhile, Charles please keep us posted about your connections in Bakersfield.
Also, stay tuned as we will be launching our first chat at 4 PM on October 3. Rob Gerth will be sending out information via the newsletter.
Please join us because it will be all about navigating intimate relationships – an issue that might affect all of us of us!