http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family en-us Wed, 31 Oct 2012 20:20:33 GMT http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=209701#tr__209701 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=209701#tr__209701 Even if it's not being verbalized, you are all in the process of renegotiating and re-evaluating roles and rules. He needs to be taken care of physically and he needs compassion for the emotions he feels (to the extent that he can voice them). And you need care and compassion just as much.

I love what Deb said when she said "don't let the disability win". Please tell him what you want of him and how he could help you and do the same with him.

And I want to come back to what I said. If he won't go, please go to counseling either by yourself or with your children. I would prefer a support group if there is one around, but counseling should be helpful also.]]> Wed, 31 Oct 2012 20:20:33 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=209431#tr__209431 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=209431#tr__209431
kinky twist]]> Mon, 29 Oct 2012 07:31:33 GMT petrick http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=191612#tr__191612 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=191612#tr__191612
thanks so much for joining this discussion group. Spinal cord injury, like other medical and psychological crises, affect more than one person. They even affect more than one family and the suffering ripples out to extended family and neighbors.
And everyone copes differently.
We all know that men have more difficulty feeling their emotions let alone expressing them appropriately. I am a very sensitive and feeling kind of man, but in the year after my accident, I was afraid to feel what I felt. I was afraid to feel the vulnerability, helplessness and worthlessness that were lurking right below the surface. As a matter fact, I was convinced I was a worthless human being for well over that first year. I just faked it!

So how do we deal with those emotions? I got depressed and withdrawn, your husband lashes out. Both are pretty typical reactions to shame – and we all feel great shame when we are publicly vulnerable. So we could go on and conjecture about what he might be feeling and why.

But I am going to take a guess here that you and your children are suffering at least as much as he is if not more. And if you are still in crisis mode, you might not even know what you are feeling and what you need. If you are aware of how your children are suffering and you are sensitive to their needs, then you must have some respite and something that nurtures your spirit in order to manage the life you have right now.

Please do not forgo your social life. Go out with friends, think about how you can return to some semblance of the life you had one year ago. If you were working, could you return at least part time? If you were involved in volunteer activities, it's important that you continue to that. Find something that makes you feel happy and try to do it every day. I know I am asking a lot of you, but your body/soul and your children all need this to happen.

Ideally, your husband would be in psychotherapy and you would also be seen as a family on a regular basis. If that doesn't happen, see if he will go with the family to therapy. If not, please consider just going with your children. But please make sure you find someone who is a. Trained as a family therapist and b: knows something about dealing with the impact of medical problems on the family.

And one of the most important issues here is what your husband and your marriage were both like before this accident.

I hope some of this was helpful for you and I look forward to your future postings.

Please take care. Please]]> Tue, 05 Jun 2012 19:26:22 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=191041#tr__191041 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=191041#tr__191041
I'm wondering: when you say your husband is refusing therapy, is it physical therapy or counseling that he is saying "no" to?

Do you think he'd be agreeable to a peer counselor, someone who has faced similar situaztions and feelings?

Donna]]> Wed, 30 May 2012 18:19:49 GMT prc_donnal http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=191030#tr__191030 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2012/05/30/effects-on-family?tr=191030#tr__191030 Wed, 30 May 2012 16:36:44 GMT Debra