Hi Josh,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. To this day, I remember the look on my parents face when they saw me in ICU several hours after I accident. I have never seen that look of anguish. Whenever I give a talk about disability I always say that I would rather be a quadriplegic then be the parent of one.

But even more sad than their initial look of anguish was the fact that they suffered so much for the rest of their lives. When I first learned to write, to use a computer, to drive, they were still only able to see that all of those things where a struggle for me – even when they stopped being a struggle for me.

They were unable to fully share and enjoy my successes and even my happiness-still they suffered. I guess some of it is inevitable. My daughter had a life-threatening crisis when she was in college. She's doing much better 15 years later, but I can feel my anxiety go up every time her voice changes or I can see that she is buried feelings. It's the way we parents are wired – that's how our species survived.

So you're suffering is understandable, maybe inevitable. But your obsessive preoccupation is not inevitable. When we are traumatized, sometimes an image or thought gets stuck in a circular loop in our brain that doesn't have an off switch. It's kind of like when you have a cavity and you can't stop putting your tongue in the whole even though it hurts every time.

So I have a couple of thoughts about that endless loop in your head. On the one hand, this is an anxiety disorder that is treated with cognitive behavioral therapy. But my style is to look a bit further. My guess is that you are raising mind is all about trying to manage emotions that feel over whelming to you. If you could feel and tolerate the feelings, it would be terribly painful but your mind might stop raising.

In order to do that, you have to find a place of safety with a wise and gentle guide. You have not done well with psychologists. These days, many psychologists are more about techniques than the human heart. Sad. If you are willing, you could go to the American Association of family therapy website and find a good family therapist near you.

The other thing you could do is to connect with a rehab hospital near you that might have a support group for parents. I know Baylor Hospital in Dallas has a wonderful reputation. There is also the Texas rehabilitation center in Houston. I have no idea how far these places are for you. (I live in New Jersey and everything is less than two hours away. I'm thinking that's not the case in Texas!)

A couple of final thoughts. First, keep in touch with us as you will find kindred spirits on these pages. And you will also see a kind of resilience hear that all humans have. And you will come to trust that your daughter and her father both have resilient spirits.

And remember, all pain is where yesterday used to be.

Please take care. Please

hi Josh,

my name is deborah, C4-C5 hemi-plegic. this is what I did to save my life...it worked like a miracle.

Give Thanks in All Things...everyday i wrote a gratitude list. no matter how sick i was or how much pain i suffered through, each nite or day, i wrote a long gratitude list. & somedays things were soooo bad, i forced myself to write. i knew i would benefit from it & believe me, miracles happened. try it, worth a try.

best wishes & blessings, deborah

I just wanted to say Hi, and that (we) are here to hear you and help.  My boyfriend became paralized in August, a result of a fall from a tree.  This is the first place I turned to for help and support, and I dont think there is one better!  We are new at this, 4 months out, but if there are any questions I can help with, I will try.  Being positive, and knowing that life is not over, just different, has made the world of difference to us.  Just today, we modified our lawn mower, and he was able to mow the leaves!!  It took more work, but it was soo worth it to see him on there mowing, just like he used to! It brought tears to my eyes.   Please continue to post on this site, as it has been a Godsend to us.  I am sorry for your struggles, but there are people that have, and are going through what you are going through. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Best wishes
Christina

Hi!   May I ask what a hemi plegic is?  I just have not heard that term before?  ( or yet)
Thanks,
Christina

Hi Deborah,
not only did keeping a gratitude journal help you, there is lots of research now showing how keeping gratitude journals can have an impact on one's sense of well-being and even help diminish depression. But timing is everything. And whenever we experience a loss, we inevitably feel frightened, sad, alone and betrayed by life itself. Tough to feel gratitude when you are being knocked around by an emotional tsunami.
But like the snow globes, eventually things settle if they are left still. And when they settle, we can open up to the lives we have as opposed to wishing for the lives we want.

I have experienced this with everyone of my losses. And now as I age and problems start to accumulate, I feel even more grateful for more things – my family, my friends, being able to breathe without coughing, every day I don't wet my pants makes me happy! But most of all, I am grateful for the fact that I have a life.

But like I said, timing is everything and we have to be able to feel everything we feel and allowed to wash over us and through us.

Happy for you Deborah!

hi Christina,

After all is said and done, the only way any of us get through any adversity is through the loving care of others. Your boyfriend is so very fortunate to have someone as kind and compassionate as you. And please know that your kindness can be habit forming!

Please take care

Hi Josh, I am so there with you.  My daughter was 13 when she was in a quad accident; she is now just turned 17.  I never left my beautiful daughter's side while in the hospital, throughout PT, OT and mental health therapy.  At 13, she was a cheerleader, had many friends, communicative and was ready in 2 days to sign up for varsity football and that never came.  Unfortunately, my girl was never responsive to any MH therapy/counseling and I took all her emotional pain. I too am going through some serious depression. Not only has my daughters and our lives changed completely, but all our hopes and dreams have been scewed. I no longer wish to go on motorcycle rides with my husband for I fear we will be in an accident and who is going to make sure my girl adjusts and becomes successful in life, has the ability to adjust and live on her own, goes to college, etc.  I am a prisoner of my daughter's well-being and dependent upon making sure she can be independent as an adult. There is a diffference in your child that I don't have.  You state that you check the emotional well-being of your girl daily.  Is she happy and adjusting?  Are you keeping her social activities going?  My experience is if she's happy, take that and run with it.  Be happy with her and celebrate her successes.  You'll have a whole new set of problems when she becomes a tween...some will be natural and others will be due to her disability.  Have her try everything in life at least once and don't let anything hold her back if you, as the parent, can make it happen.  I have been trying to gett my daughter counseling/ therapy since the accident and she was resistent to all until this week. We travel 2 hours to a behavioral sciences facility and I think the healing for our family might finally begin.  I'm very optimistic. My daughter is talking, crying and willing to find solutions to getting on with her life.  She has never accepted losing the ability to walk and she, as I, feel cheated on life.  There is always a reason why things happen, they say, but I have never found that reason, as of yet.  I have worked with families that have children with disabilities for the past 6.5 years.  There was a reason was I was doing that work before my daughter become paralyzed.  See, there is a reason for everything.  Your daughter or you just might do/become someone that makes a difference in this world.  I wish you both happiness, well-being and success in finding what your journey is in the schema of things. I'm still finding my way as a parent, also. *hugs* to your family and your beautiful daughter.

Thank you. That was great insight for all of us reading.

I am paralyzed and I'm a father I know how you feel and I worry about my children everyday because they were taken from me and moved to the east coast but I am always strong and do my best to show them that they have to try and even if they fail they have nothing to worry about because I will be so proud of them because they gave it their best and that's all that matters just encourage her and show her that you love her and she will never let you down that's what keeps me going is my kids I promise that will truly help with the depression