To everyone posting on this topic: I love you! I have been thinking on how I have been wasting the last ten years of my life trying to deny, change and have my situation understood by people who just don't / won't get it. I will be clear up front. I am not paralysed. I am in severe chronic nerve pain. I was hit by a car going abut 70 km/hr May 14th 2004 and the ligaments in my knee were ruptured. I had to diagnose myself online before a doc listened to me and agreed to an MRI in 2010. Last month ( June 2013) it was concluded my pain is not from the knee but the nerves in my leg. They were squished up from the impact and it is causing "constant" debilitating pain. In quotes because I have read this thread and Dr. Dan and get it now. Ten years later. I found a wonderful family doctor who takes care of me now and am a patient at the chronic pain unit followed by a neurosurgeon. I get nerve blocks every three months, I take neurontin 2100mg, Codiene 78mg , celebrex 400mg , and Effexor 150mg. I just started to realize that my life is never going to get better if I don't learn to live with one good leg I have and let go of the other one. There is nothing they can do with the science of today, so live with it. I don't want to live with it, but I am trying to get through this 5 stages thing my doc told me I needed to do and accept it. I just want to be able to run with my kids. I will never teach them to ride a bike. I was not the one who helped teach them walk. I cannot carry my baby. Pregnancy is a fun ride for nine months to say the least. (I am learning to laugh at the words that come out of "normies" when they are pregnant, but if this is the worse they have experienced, who am I to judge?) I want to do so many activities that just will not happen. Believe me, I have tried to get better. I have done so many exercises thinking I just need some muscle and all would be good. Won't happen. I have muscle atrophy in the bad leg and no matter how hard I try it won't go away. I have tried to just ignore it because I am just a nut job and it isn't true, right? (That is what the docs told me in the beginning) Now I drown in the pain. When I get spikes (I am a constant 5/10 minimum, can get to 10/10 but most days are a 7-8/10 ) I have a hard time calming down, the whole body just goes rigid. I try to stay alone because when other people see it they start to panic "what can I do!" and it just makes it worse because 1. I don't have the breath to answer and 2. No one can do anything, not even me. Their panic makes mine worse. Try explaining that to every person who is in your life over and over... well I assume you guys have. Hence ... again, I love you all!. The family asks me if I took my pills... heck yes! too many to count and it is still there! Then I beat myself up because I waited too damn long the pills aren't doing anything for the pain and I have to sit here and do nothing. I feel like I can't even protect my kids... so fun when your baby learns to walk and notices very quickly mommy can get me. Bed time, bath time, and diaper changes become much more difficult than they already are without being able to pick baby up or kneel next to the bath because you can just collapse from the pain and have already dropped on child before realizing the extent of the damage done. I can't stop them from running out in traffic. So, I don't go out. I am afraid of them getting hit by a car because I couldn't catch the curious baby who moves so much faster than mommy. Forget baby proofing. If I put it out of babys reach, then it is hell for me to get. I am venting my depression on all of you now. I am sorry. It is just so comforting and therapeutic to hear words that I just don't want to say coming from the key boards of people who have finally learned to say them... It sucks when you have the stomach flu and there is no get up and run to the toilet. I am guessing you guys get that too. I can't say any of this to the people around me. I have tried to explain this to them until I am blue in the face and it is to the point I was told to suck it up by my aunt and mother in law, who until a few days ago, were all I have I had. The rest left a few weeks after the accident. Maybe some lasted a couple of months. But today I have no one from then. I have been made to feel like I am less of a parent because of not being able to do things. That my girls would be better off living else where. I know that. They want to live a lift without pain in the home. but I love them and this is all they know. They have never seen me from before. My oldest is 8. I have to be dependent on others to help me get around. I can't "clean house" like a normal person, so I am hashed on for that too. If I ask something, It comes with a string. I can't go and do my groceries. So I have to barter with not so welcoming people sometimes just to fill the fridge.
This last week I am starting to move on I think. I am working on it. I have a psycologist for my girls, who is finding a food bank that delivers. My doc told me to get over the arogance and get a wheel chair. Gov is helping with the funding for a permanent one, I got my loaner three days ago. The freedom! I took the girls to the park. It was so fun! It was wonderful to see people outside of my house and not be escorted! It is still hard though, because it means that this is it. This is real. That this sucks. and it is big and bulky and hard to push. ... I can go on and on... I don't have to though. I know deep down that this is the best for me and the girls. Doesn't mean I have to like it though. It still sucks. A lot.
I tumbled on this thread from google and I think you are all angels. Every one of you. it is a fight. and you show people who don't want to accept the new reality that it is okay and possible to live with the suffering. I had nightmares for years of drowning because I used to be a competitive swimmer. i can only swim with the one leg now. I only figured that out after the nightmares stopped and I was willing to get back in a pool. hehehe, I look like the older ladies in the slow lane just going for a dip... I get it now... But the worse is when people look at me. since the accident it has always been "but you are so young. Your body should heal well." hell unless you have a big MRI and ultrasounds and know what to look for, you can't even tell that there is anything wrong with my leg besides the fact it is skinnier. It bugs me to have people assume that there has to be scars or something if there is so much damage.
Boy thank you guys. thank you Dr. Dan. starting tonight I am following your suggestions. they seem to be logic based. so logically it is worth the try. If I am in the wrong place please tell me, but I would love to follow along quietly. You give me hope that it can and will get better.
Than k you again.