Welllllll,  if shes into you you don't really have anything too losedo you?I had the same issues and pretty much had the same thing happen too me.  Twice!  And then I just never really tried too have a relationship with anyone.  So I neverreally dated for like 10 yrs. and then I met someone that I was friends with for a few years.  I was with her for 8 years and she had to go because she had too many addictions.  (I'm a magnet for screwed up people.)  That one stained me good but right after her I met someone else and thought I might as well go for it.  My other thought was "I screwed up my life once, why not jump in and do it again?"  I'm glad I did though and it's working out fine.  If you are both too shy too talk just get her going out for dinner or something.  But not movies.  You will have all the right stuff too say and by the time you think you can you can't remember any of it!

thanks Ben.. 
its really interesting to know your living the fun side of the life even all these. i admire you.. thanks for all your advice and time..  really appreciated it.

guess all we have commen is to screw up things coz just to lend a hands to screwed up ppl and get screwed.. lol.. 

take care and hope luck and god blessings be with you to keep you happy always.. cheers mate. 

Hi, I am so glad I saw your post. I was wandering around on the internet.I couldn't type fast enough to let you know that I met a guy in a wheelchair almost 1 year ago. He is a wonderful man. And to answer your question yes some women are interested in men in wheelchairs. It isn;t the chair thats a help or a hinderense its the guy period. Whoever thought I would meet a guy in a chair and fall profoundly in love. As I always say this guy lives life more fully than most able bodied people! Its not always easy. He has been through so much, but fate brought us together. He is so in touch with life it is incredible. YES I GET THE NAY SAYERS LIKE MY FAMILY WHO ISN'T REAL COMFORTABLE WITH IT BUT IT IS MY LIFE. We are going forward with our lives and if you like her ask her out it all starts with a chance!  take care

Hi! I think YES is to risky to fall in love in our situation I´m T10 complete SCI. But also our lifes since the very begining of  our injuries becomes a risk and challenge.
So why not to live the experience, maybe the heart hurts, maybe we cry but as we say "what has been danced  nobody takes you away"
Wish you luck and I hope you find some one who appreciates and loves you.

Hi Eddie.  I do not live life with paralysis; however, my 16 1/2 year old daughter does.  Her support is her chat friends in/out of the SCI community. I can have empathy with what you're feeling, although I have not had those types of direct feelings and thoughts.  My daughter just had the 3 year aniversay of her accident on July 4th. Her online chat friends do not know she is in a wheelchair.  She says she doesn't want anyone to know.  We were going on vacation to Florida and she wanted to meet one of her friends.  I asked her is her friend knew she was in a wheelchair.  I was thinking that it might be uncomfortable for her friend if she didn't know beforehand, had plans to go to the waterpark, beach, etc., and the accessiblility into her house when we visisted. I am also concerned if she meets a boy.  I think in relationships you never know how it's going to turn out whether you have a disability or not.  I do think honesty is going to get you a lot further than dishonesty (no disclosure). I get it that you want someone to know you from the inside out and I think that is a good thing, but once you start developing any kind of feeling what-so-ever, it time to talk about your sistuation.  if she's good at heart, she will understand, but just becasue she's good at heart, doesn't mean she won't break your heart and it might not be intentionally.  Love and relationships are always a risk, but honesty is the best policy. I wish you much happiness in your endeavors of finding true love.

Eddie..I was born with spina bifida and have used a wheelchair for mobility for over 28 years and I have had many beautiful relationships with women just like individuals that don't have a disibility. The only thing I can tell you and I hope it helps, is that relationships are hard for all individuals and we all fear rejection, but if she is interested in you and you are interested in her go for it dude. I messed up a lot of good relatinships with woman not because of my disibility, but because of my roudy lifestyle and not thinking they really cared for me. I never give up on finding love again, but most inportant is to learn to love yourself first ! Best wishes Bro.

Hi Eddie,

Boy did you pick the right place to post your question! My first thought is that this situation is better for guys than it is for women because (this will come as no surprise to anyone) women are superior humans! Seriously, once a woman is grown-up, outward appearance counts much less than inward appearance. Women want men who are both powerful and caring. They want a man who can really listen and be curious about who they are. They want a man who is not afraid of intimacy and certainly not afraid to love and be loved. I know these are all sweeping generalizations, and might not be true for everyone, but that's most of what many women want. And yes if they can have those things, the packaging becomes much less important.

I know you've already demonstrated that you have many of those qualities in that it's clear you have a tender heart and you are not afraid to talk about your vulnerability. That takes strength and self-confidence. It takes a special kind of strength to acknowledge that we don't feel strong or that we feel insecure.

We are all at risk of having our hearts broken. Mine has been broken several times and some of those breaks were agony. But the more comfortable I become with who I am, the more grateful I am for my life, the more I love loving, the less afraid I become of having my heart broken.

I wish the same for you

Hello Eddie, My name is Tony. I'm a partial para for 17yrs now and beginning to have more back issues. but the point in all this is... you have to give her the chance and choice to decide if she wants the relationship. you can't assume or decide those things for her. I have been developing a relationship with a life long friend for the past year. and are now officially a couple. And I had all my doubts about what she could see in me verses a none injured man. So one day I just asked her how she saw me in her eyes. what Things did I have to offer her that made her sure she wanted to be with me. and you know what? she told me all the qualities that she found in me that she loved and admired. and not one of them had anything to do with physical abilities. She told me how she had compared me to all the men she had known. and that I was the only one that had all the qualities she wanted. I had a lot of insecurties about myself, but during that year of looking in on myself and talking to her, I realized that I was more scared of losing her than facing any embarassing physical problems I was hung up on. and I had to allow her to have the choice to accept me for me. She is truly the most amazing woman and I would have regreted it for all my life if I hadnt told her I wanted to be with her. So Eddie, you need to give her the chance and choice. It's better to take that risk than to live with the regret of never knowing. From a friend Tony

thanks everyone for great advice!! its great to know all your personal experience, which really help me to clear my doubts and my mind.. really appreciate you’ll shearing your side of story with me.. 

Hey Eddie, as a lower quad (c5,6,7) and lving with paralysis for the last 15 years its perfectly natural to have insecurity's. I was married for 10 years when I was paralized in a car accident. My wife stuck with me and I pushed her away. This went on for two years. I felt like I was holding her back from enjoying the rest of her life. Little did I realize at the time that I was her life. We had met in highschool, had three kids and I was a third year apprentice in a highly physical trade. I wanted to give up on everything, but she wouldn't let me. Thank God. I get anxiety everytime I think of her leaving at my insistance. Long story short, we just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversay. The biggestlesson I've learnt out of living with paralysis is this; I never want to grow old alone and people love you for who you are. Let your personality come out. For the ones that get away, there is always someone else looking for you. Keep your options open bud.  

Thanks Darren
i'm so glad ur so lucky enough to find a such a awesome wife. As u know many women will not stand or be with you in a situation like this and also if u open the door most women will walk away. so your really lucky an blessed to have a wife as you say who been so long with you.
god bless you both and thanks for your feedbacks

what a great discussion this is. I must say that there is nothing more exciting, more risky and more heart opening and falling in love. Loving and allowing ourselves to be loved is always about faith. Faith that who we are, warts and all, is lovable. Faith that we can have our hearts broken, feel pain and suffer – and be okay.

So much of our lives are governed by our fear of being hurt. And all of us, especially us, have been hurt multiple times and has been okay. I don't want my life to be governed by my fear of a future that is unknowable.

Take risks within reason, have faith and most of all, let yourself love

Hi Eddie,  I read your situation and hope that you have moved on well and found confidence to communicate with that girl online or anyone else.  Have FAITH in yourself.  It's tough for all of us with SCI and sometimes relationships last, sometimes not...but someday we will be cured.  Until then, hopefully we'll find love.  Good luck.

thanks for your message and appreciate it.. 

Hi Eddie,

I second Melissa's wishes that you have taken a risk and made contact with that girl.
It's a risk to fall in love period. After all, when you fall in love, your heart opens and when that happens, you are more vulnerable. Love produces all sorts of tender sweet emotions. And when you are more vulnerable and tender, your defenses are down. And the more that happens, the more deeply in love you feel.

Ideally, both parties are able to lower their defenses and share hopes, dreams and vulnerabilities. But that also means your heart can be broken. And we all know the chance of failure is higher than the chance of success. If that was not the case, we would fall in love once and stay with that person forever.

But you are not the only one at risk. I'll betray a confidence here and tell you about my life at the same time.
I am in love with someone I consider an extraordinary woman. And she loves me. Our relationship is wonderful and we enjoy each other's company. But secure?

I recently spent five weeks in bed healing from skin flap surgery. During that time she was with me. And I had all sorts of side effects from bowel accidents to unstable blood pressure to extreme neuropathic pain to withdrawal and some depression. And I feared that I would be too much for her.

At the same time, she is going through a very painful time in her life which is producing a great deal of distress and depression. We talk about her loss all the time and she fears that she will be too much for me!

Granted, what we are both experiencing is our own insecurity. And fortunately we can talk about that. But show me a person who is not insecure and I'll show you a person who is in a deep coma!

I believe finding happiness in life is not about avoiding what we fear, it's about having faith that we can manage the consequences of taking risks like these.

Please take care and I hope you enjoy all of your loving relationships

Well Eddie, it's been over a year since I replied to this thread and now I have to ask if you went and threw all those insecure thought's out the window and went for it?  Did it workout for you?  Is she with you now?  I'm still with mine.  She has almost dumped me a few times but she's still here!   I find after you giveup some of the things that hold you back it's very easy to move forward if thats really truely what you want.  And then you just have to remember that your a guy and some stuff like being and idiot seems to be a natural thing.  We can still get dumped for being an a###! 

Hi dear all,
somewhere i saw a writing said: love never ends when the potential of it inside us, is spent properly and this takes place when our loves connect its endless source... i hope it happen to everyone.. i myself always believe that "your love is somewhere around the world and at a special moment  somehow you'll see her"..   

Hello Eddie,

Your story has really touch a very special place in my heart. I can relate to some of what you are feeling.  I had a car accident in 2010 and sustained permanent injury to parts of my body that changed my life forever.  I've been in physical pain everyday of my life since the accident.   My doctor told me that I need to have back surgery.  I do not think I would be a good candidate for the surgery.  So, I have decided to live with the pain in my body, but I refused to life with pain in my heart everyday.   

Like you, I try to help others by inspiring them to stay strong, be encouraged and to look forward to having a better day...  Like you, helping others make me feel good, it also helps me to deal with my own situations.

I am not claiming to be an expert or a doctor regarding the subject matter that we are talking about.  I hope that It doesn't seems as though I am trying to come across as such.  I do not want you to think that I am a know it all kind of person, because I do not have the answers that you might be seeking.  I am thankful that we have Dr. Dan to talk with when needed.  He seems to always have the right answers for our questions.
  
 
I often reflected back to the time, shortly after my divorce, when my mother sat me down to defined and describe the meaning of love...  I would never forget that day.  Like you Eddie, I thought one day I might find love again, but on the other hand I had accepted the fact that I might never find love.  I thank my mother for always being there to remind me never to give up on love.

My mother told me that  LOVE is a feeling and not a SITUATION.  LOVE comes from a place  deep within our hearts.  My mother said, once you know how to LOVE you will know when you are being loved.  My mother said LOVE is not supposed to hurt intentionally.  LOVE is supposed to feel good. My mother said for me never to give up on LOVE.  My mother would often said, while we leave our hearts open for Love there is always a chance, that LOVE will find its way in...   

My mother is not an expert nor is she a doctor.  My mother is a strong woman that has gained a lot of wisdom though out her life.  I have lived long enough to have experiences some of the things my mother talked about regarding love. She is not always right, but I thank the Lord for having her in my life...  

Eddie, I shared my story with you to let you know that you are not alone.  I hope you can take something from my story that will help you fine true love.  If you do not remember anything from my story I hope you remember that Love is a feeling and not a situation.

So, if you believe your first girlfriend left you because of the situation. I think you need to asks yourself if the love you share together was true Love or not.    

I want to share with you the little I know LOVE!


                                                   LOVE!        LOVE!       LOVE! 


LOVE IS PATIENT AND KIND:

LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS OR BOASTFUL:

IT IS NOT ARROGANT OR RUDE:

LOVE DOES NOT INSIST ON ITS OWN WAY:

IT IS NOT IRRITABLE OR RESENTFUL:

IT DOES NOT REJOICE AT WRONG:

BUT REJOICES IN THE RIGHT:

LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS, BELIEVED ALL THINGS, HOPES ALL THINGS, ENDURES ALL THINGS.

                                                        LOVE NEVER ENDS. 


Theresa E.

hi Eddie,

I'm sorry that relationship didn't work for you. Before I responded, I took a look at your profile as I was curious about your age. And then I saw your status: "feeling less depressed". Not only that, but your recent post sounds like you have acquired a good deal of wisdom and gratitude in the wake of this experience.
In a very strange way, I am happy for you. And given that you have more wisdom and more gratitude, that makes you more attractive to women. Trust me!

Please take care

thanks theresa.. 
your story and your encouraging words really made me feel more high and good. thanks for shearing.. hope and pray that your pains will go way and will have cure for it so we all can one day be normal as we are before.

thanks dan.. i feel flattered reading your post.. thanks again.  

A very wise woman once said to me that what a woman really wants is to see her man without his mask on. So that's good news and bad news for us guys with disabilities. Our mask is off and we cannot hide our vulnerability. Of course we can't pretend, but that's pretty burdensome and doesn't work well anyway.
So if we can handle our own vulnerability with comfort and grace, we will be showing a kind of power that is genuine.

I wish I could say the reverse is also true, that men want to see women without their mask on. Well, at the risk of stereotyping, it's the guys that are more likely to be wearing a mask (or armor) in the first place!

There really should be no question about who is the superior gender. Women are more likely to overlook disability than men, more likely to be vulnerable and are far more comfortable with human emotions that we are.

On the other hand, there's lots of stuff we are good at also – I'll get back to you on that!

Eddie , Thats is kinda like being asked do i look fat in these jeans. HELL  dude just get out there and do it to it my man. 32 yrs SCI  2 failed marriages just living the bachelor life and loving it, but thats me,  you be fine.

I think Robert has a point here. There's a certain point at which you don't care if you look fat in those jeans, you are just happy to be able to get them on and keep them dry all day.
Life is exciting, scary, heartbreaking, awesome, delicious, vibrant, depressing, infuriating and if you don't experience all of those things, you are not fully alive.
I often ask my patients who have anxiety or sadness from loss if they would like to take a pill so that they never have to feel these painful emotions again. Nobody has said yes to me yet.