hey Norma,
I just posted under "who we are and how we cope" about my progress and how well I am doing. I just wanted you to know how grateful I am for your support and thoughtfulness. I loved receiving the cards!

Please take care my friend

My anniversary is a very stressful day because it is tax day and one of my neices birthday I am always stressed out because I don't really have anyone who understands what is going on with me

Hi Charles,

I hope your mood is changed from September 15. I just did an interview on how grief really works in our emotions. It's not as though we grieve our losses and then get to "acceptance" and then we are done. We have triggers that open up those wounds and more so in the early years after the loss.

But the bigger picture is that you feel you don't have anyone who understands what's going on with you. That kind of isolation and alienation is not healthy. I know others are trying to find resources for you in California but I have an additional idea…

Your great pain is that nobody knows your story and you feel alone because of that. The problem is not the story, it is feeling alone.
I strongly urge you to volunteer with any human population who needs your help – reading to schoolchildren, working with elders, becoming a big brother – whenever. But if you are able to help another human being and be able to hear their stories and connect with them had a very human level, slowly but surely you will understand that human experiences are human experiences. And if you keep doing that, you will feel more connected with many souls.

Please keep us posted

We know what pain does to the brain and vice versa. But I had an experience yesterday that shows what words can do to change one's experience

As many of you know I was in an accident two years ago where I was thrown from my wheelchair. Their are many long-term effects, but the one I want to talk about now is chronic severe pain.

I was in a meeting yesterday where I was asked to review that fateful day. As we began I felt my anxiety going up. And when we got to the moment of the fall, I felt my mind get fuzzy. And then I was asked when I became aware of when the pain started.

My heart began to race and I felt like I was perspiring. I wanted to run away screaming as I was reexperiencing everything. I took a few seconds and closed my eyes and took a few breaths. I felt kind to send compassion for myself and then returned to the discussion. Still feeling stressed but more in control.

I was exhausted for the rest of the day, slept nine hours last night and still feel fatigue 30 hours later. If we can deconstruct what happened, it was words from the outside going into my mind which visualized something. Then that picture triggered emotions which triggered faster heart rate which triggered increased pain . And when you think about it, what happened was:

a) a normal reaction that anyone would have felt following the trauma

b) what's the big deal, it's only words nothing was really happening

Of course the answer is both. But at that moment my brain had no idea nothing was happening. And that happens every time we feel great anxiety, or even a panic attack. We hear something and then tell ourselves a story and then become panicked all of this while nothing is really happening.

And it's not just anxiety, it's any story we tell ourselves. "I am not worthy of love because of my disability" or "nobody really wants to know what this is like". All of those stories generate emotions which generate more thoughts and all of a sudden that becomes the truth of our lives.

What happened to me yesterday was that when I was invited to revisit the painful situation, I suffered. That's all I know for sure.
And when I suffered I needed care and compassion just like we all do when we suffer. Thank goodness I I was aware of my suffering and put my hand on my heart.

Oh, the human mind-sure is a mixed blessing

I'm so glad that you're close to the person who......when suffering.......gave you the caring and compassion you needed Dan. And.....while I'm at it.....I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart.....for being so open....honest .....and forthright .....and......vulnerable with us........the broken us......the hurting us.....the lonely us. You make us feel more.....connected.....more....cared for. You're quite a wonderful human being.

Dr. Dan, I am recovering from Transverse Myelitis and have episodes from discomfort to pain levels that I had never dreamed of. In my case I get a tightening of the upper chest area.. banding. that wreaks havoc with breathing,pulse,spasms Perhaps if one was to try to anticipate the event that would 'set off' the nervous responses the reaction wouldn't be as severe. Sometimes things such as deep breathing techniques and and inner distractive thoughts can reduce the shock and wall of pain that any situation may present .

Hi William,

I'm so sorry to hear you have this painful and unpredictable disease. Before I get into the details of your situation, I want you to know that we have a topic in this discussion specifically devoted to pain. We have a pretty rich and informative discussion going on there, so I would encourage you to visit that topic and keep posting there.

I trust you are getting good medical care and you have explored would ever pharmaceutical options are available to you, so let's talk about your mind on pain. When you say trying to "anticipate the event", that can mean several things. When my pain felt out of control, sometimes I was vigilant waiting for the next episode. And that made it worse because I was always tense and the pain just made it worse and vice versa.

In an ideal world you would be open to whatever comes next whether it feels good or feels bad. You would be aware of what's happening at the moment and fully aware of the truth that you have no idea what's happening in the next moment. At the same time you would trust that whatever comes in the next moment wouldn't last. And if you did that your name would no longer be William – you would be "the Buddha-the enlightened one."!

Okay so that's not gonna happen, but let's take a look at that before we just get a chuckle and return to being mere humans.
You said that sometimes things like deep breathing and distractive thoughts can reduce the shock of pain. That is critical learning for both you and your brain. Practicing that brings you a step closer to the Buddha. When you focus on your breathing, you are making your brain attend to other things that you are experiencing.

When you experience pain, all of the attention you have goes to where the pain is and what it means. Then the mind takes over and we all tend to catastrophize. But the truth is that when you are experiencing pain, you are also experiencing many other things-like breathing, like the temperature in the room, like the ambient sounds in the room, like the person you may be with or what your eyes maybe looking at. While you are experiencing pain all of your senses are experiencing other things.
These are not exercises in distraction, these are exercises in being aware of everything that is happening to you.

And what you've described is just right. It doesn't change the pain and might not change the severity, but it does change your relationship to the pain-it no longer has to be in the driver seat of your life.

There are many good websites that teach these breathing exercises in a pretty disciplined way, and the research shows that most any form of meditation has a great track record with pain.

I wish you the best William and look forward to seeing you in our other "discussion"

Tomorrow will be the 33rd anniversary of my accident. Over the years, these anniversaries have grown less emotional. I might tend to get a bit wistful that day, but that's all.

Tomorrow is different. That's because I was 33-year-old young man when I kissed my wife and two young daughters goodbye and walked across my frozen front lawn to get into my Dodge dart and drive to Harrisburg. That walk across the frozen lawn for the last steps I ever took.

And tomorrow I will have lived exactly half my life as a quadriplegic.

My dear friend Joan asked me over lunch yesterday what I wanted people to say to me tomorrow. Instantly I said: "L'Chaim" – to life. And then she asked how I would feel that day. I closed my eyes and said I will feel very humble and very grateful. With my eyes closed, I felt both of those emotions more deeply than I have ever felt them in my life. I thought about all the thousands if not millions of events that had to take place to not only keep me alive for 33 years, but to bring me to this moment; a life filled with love and friendship and laughter and pain and loss and more love and laughter and back again. What had to have happened in my life to bring me to this moment where I could be sitting across the table from a woman I love dearly who loves me talking about my internal life.

And all of these events were things that I had no control over, I was just that fortunate.

So humble and so grateful.

Dr. Dan, we are grateful God brought you to guide us. To life!

Great post Dr. Dan, thank you for sharing your reflection with our community!

"L'Chaim !"  You humble me and I am so very grateful for your thoughts and insights. As you go through today, know tht I will be keeping you in positive thoughts.

Great words Dr. Dan. Thanks for all you share and teach us about ourselves. My thoughts go out to you today and your special lady and family.  Your wisdom is priceless. My prayers for you to stay well because we all need you so much.                                          DonnaLee

I read these responses and all I can do is feel such deep gratitude to have these relationships with these people. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you

Love

Dan

Several people have asked what December 20 was like for me. As you will recall it was the 33rd anniversary of my accident which took place when I was 33 years old.

As I've mentioned before I have a practice of meditation for 30 minutes every morning. On December 20 I began my practice before I even got out of bed becoming fully aware of each breath representing life and each exhalation representing letting go. And when my focus narrowed to letting go, my mind took me back to the moments after the accident.

Someone came to my car (several years later I later found out it was an RN) and I must have been delirious when I said to her: "call everybody I know to get here right away." But somehow I knew I needed the loving care of others to get me through this. And I was right. And I have needed the loving care of others to help me through these 33 years. And I will need the loving care of others to help me through whatever years I have left (maybe even 33!).

But then my reverie took me to the emergency room at Ephrata hospital, halfway between Philadelphia and Harrisburg. In a strange way I found myself bearing witness to that young man on the table. And then bearing witness to that young man in the ICU, scared and confused. I experienced myself in bed next to him, holding him and kissing his head. I felt his tears and held it more closely. I wanted to tell him "it will be okay, you will have a good life and you will be happy", but I knew I couldn't say that. I wanted to tell him that it would get much worse before it got better. I wanted to tell him he would have even more adversity in his life and that with each loss, he would love more and value life more, but I couldn't say that either. So I just held that frightened young man knowing how deeply he was suffering and knowing how grateful he would become.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for all of your comments, your thoughts and most of all your care.

L'Chaim. Selah.

Dr. Dan,                                 All of us are so lucky to have you here for us. In the 33 years you have gone on  teaching yourself and others how to live better lives. You are an incredible man and so strong. Meditation does make us more aware and letting go is something we can all work on. Love is the most important thing that hopefully all of us.  Love, Faith and Hope, always. What a truly beautiful thing that in you time of need you reached out to give love to someone in pain and need. I have tears in my eyes but they are happy tears for a young man that was comforted by a man called Dr. Dan that gives us all love. I  would love 33 more years of this and will be looking forward to it.                                                     DonnaLee

But then did you at least have a beer?  

A story:

Sunday, December 30 around 5 PM my friend Joan and I return home from seeing a matinee in Philadelphia. Also joining us is my dear friend Judy who is visiting us from Taiwan. On our way home Joan receives a call from her daughter saying that we had to drop something off at her house.

I must be honest here and say that I wasn't thrilled with the idea of schlepping out again after the theater, but I have learned that whining usually doesn't feel good to the listener or to the whiner so I kept my mouth shut. We dropped Judy off at my house where she was alone there for the first time on this trip and off we went to Joan's house.

30 min. later I get a call from a shaken Judy saying that a tree fell on my garage. I tried to calm her down but I wasn't all that worried about it figuring whatever broke was fixable. And then I got a call 20 min. after that from Judy saying that the police and fire trucks were at the house and when would we be home.

When we arrived there was 100 foot tree that had crushed my attached garage and damaged the inside of the house. If my van had been in the garage it would have been destroyed. (You can imagine how happy I was that I chose not to whine!)

Okay, it was a catastrophe but what I said earlier remained true. Insurance would cover it, I sense met a terrific contractor and all will be taken care of within a couple of months. Yes, it will be inconvenient as hell as we will have to make special wheelchair access to the house, but it's only walls.

The firemen was kind of surprised by my attitude. I didn't go into all the details about how I spent the summer in bed with a decubitus or how I came close to death several times or how I live with pain and so on and so forth. All I said was:

"once you've been to hell a few times, a little hot weather ain't so bad."

Just one of the many gifts of adversity.

Happy new year my friends

Now if this wasn't a test of patience I don't know what was! Well done, Dr. Dan!

It's super easy now to have perspective on huge problems. 
But when my kicker misses a 35 yarder to win the game, I'm still screaming my head off!!!" 

Dan, God was looking out for you!  I'm glad your friend Judy was ok.  I hope you have a happy and blessed New Year!  Looking forward to your up coming stories.

My show on Monday was called: "out of nowhere". It was based on a conversation I had with a friend of mine several years ago who said that her colleague told her that her husband left the marriage and that it all came "out of nowhere". But then I got thinking about that phrase and realized that's how life happens. The good things and the bad things all seem to come out of that same place – that place of unpredictability.


As expected, most of my callers talked about trauma that came out of nowhere. You know, like the stuff you and I have endured. And that's what I thought about much of the afternoon.


And then my little four-year-old virtual grandson Jacob came over for dinner with his mother and Jacob and I had a sleepover. We played with his train tracks, my Hoyer lift and his scooter. We talked about why my legs didn't work and how he didn't want to celebrate Hanukkah at my house next year he wanted to do Christmas. And then after three books, he went to bed. I got to watch this precious child sleep in my home. And I looked to the heavens and said: "what have I ever done to deserve this experience?".

Jacob entered my life "out of nowhere". Thank goodness for the unexpected experience of life.

I miss Olivia. (" I got to watch this precious child sleep in my home.")

We recently did a show on the concept of "grit", which has become a popular area of study for educational psychologists. Grit is about having a dream or vision and pursuing that believing that you can accomplish. Grit is not about intelligence, it's about when we get knocked down, as we surely do, it doesn't interfere with the pursuit of that dream. And oh yes, and this is the most important part, the dream that most successful people have is about helping others or making the world a better place.

And you cannot have grit without experiencing adversity. You cannot know about your coverage and resources, your creativity and tenacity without getting knocked on your butt. A few times. But then again, I guess you a little bit about the business of getting knocked on your but, a few times.

So what is your vision? And if you don't have one, find one! It will make your life and the lives of people you have never met better.