hi Thomas,

What we are really talking about here is gratitude. And there is lots of research about the impact of gratitude on our well-being.

Several years ago I was seeing a man of about 40 years old who had been depressed most of his life. He knew that he was hardwired to experience things negatively and never really felt happiness or joy for more than a few minutes. He had been in therapy often on most of his life and had tried lots of medications to know avail.

We talked a great deal about Self-Compassion and he practiced experiencing understanding and kindness for his brain/body that suffered. He was diligent about his practice and after a short period of time, found himself feeling less critical of himself-a little more kind.

And then I had him do another exercise. He was to notice three things every day that he felt grateful for. It could be gratitude for a nice day or even the fact that he was physically healthy that day. Anything. But he had to do more than name these things, he had to take about 60 seconds and allow himself to feel gratitude. He found this exercise difficult so we did it for two weeks and by the second week it was easier.

Over the next few months we increased that number from three to 50. Somewhere in the process he said "for the first time in my life, I feel like there is solid ground under my feet." And so it continued – the more grateful he felt, the more grateful he felt.

His practice of gratitude actually rewired his brain and he was looking at the world through a completely different lens – all of this while nothing on the outside changed.

He said he was so grateful to me for helping him. I said I was so grateful to him for what he has taught and will now enable me to teach others.

Many years ago I treated a woman with diabetes who developed gangrene in her foot. She said "I would rather die than have my foot amputated." As the surgery approach, she became more frightened. And then a few days before surgery she was more tolerant of the idea.
When I commuted to work, I would stop in front of a lake every day to meditate. It was a beautiful bucolic scene and I enjoyed being with nature for those 30 min. One day I stopped to meditate and there was a big truck tire in the middle of the lake. I was infuriated almost as though I had been personally violated. And then every day when I stopped, all I could see was that damn tire. Perhaps I was so upset because it was a truck tire that this caused my accident 32 years ago. But I still would have been upset about nature being assaulted.
Over the next few months, I stopped staring at the tire. Not because I tried to, it just happened. It was almost as though I barely noticed it anymore. I was beginning to accommodate. And then about six months after that, I noticed the tire was covered with moss! It looked as though the lake itself accommodated that tire also.
How many of us have been told "I don't know how you do it, I don't think I could." When I hear that, I just smile inside, knowing that I am not a hero nor do I have more "strength" than an average person. It's just what we do. Just like that lake we find a way to live with life's assaults..
Our bodies, our spirits begin to heal shortly after the assault. It is our minds, our egos that cause our suffering. The ego makes all sorts of statements that begin with those dreaded personal pronouns: "I don't deserve this, why me, I am less of a person, I can never survive this."
So while the mind is busy railing at the gods, our hearts are slowly growing moss. I recommend that we pay more attention to the activity in our hearts then the activity in our minds.
It's nature's way.

I'm getting a colonoscopy and an endoscopy tomorrow. Now that I am 65, this will be my fourth colonoscopy. The first two were revolting to me. I had to drink that toxic waste they called laxatives and then I kept having bowel accident four hours after that. But now it all feels different. I hate drinking that crap, but I am no longer revolted. I'll get into bed around 530 this afternoon and begin drinking the laxatives. I know I will have several accidents and need to be cleaned up. But I also have a great book I am reading and several good movies on my DVR. So in a way, I am looking forward to that quiet time!

So what changed? Certainly the events around the colonoscopy haven't, but my perspective has changed. One of my mantras is "it's never about the thing, it's about what that thing means to you." To one person a wheelchair means the end of freedom and the beginning of a life of dependency. To another person the beginning of freedom and independence.

My colonoscopy used to mean humiliation and shame. Now my colonoscopy means not much more than a pain in the ####(sorry about that, I couldn't resist).
'
'The gift of aging is that we realize that this moment is not the moment it's simply a moment. So when we feel disgust or anger or sadness or self-pity, we must realize that those emotions, like all emotions, or temporary. And despite how important they might feel, they pass and new onescome right behind them if we let them.

so I will be getting in to bed soon and watch reruns of the Jon Stewart show and have fantasies of that wonderful meal I will be eating tomorrow afternoon.

Hey Dr. Dan~ Hope yesterday was a breeze for you and the procedure didn't wipe you out to much.

hi Bernadette,
thanks so much for your good wishes. The colonoscopy was a breeze. Actually, a bit too much  breeze because they pumped me full of air and I was pretty breezy for the next 48 hours! (Maybe that's why nobody wanted to hang out with me).
Anyway, the procedure was uneventful and I got free graham crackers!

I usually get gas at the same neighborhood station. Lately, the same man has been pumping my gas so we smile when we greet one another. He is a handsome young man with cocoa skin and a warm smile, who is always available to help me get my credit card out of my wallet and return it after the tank is filled. And like many others, he is curious and amazed at how my van has been adapted so that I can drive.

A couple of weeks ago I pulled in one evening on my way home and we talked for about 20 min. I found out his name was Hari and he came from India several years ago by himself. He is 22 years old and works at the gas station 14 hours a day. Then he rides his bicycle to his apartment 20 min. away. He said he was lonely but didn't have time to meet anyone because he worked so much. I was so sad that this bright young man struggled so just to stay afloat.

And then he asked me if the woman I was with the other day was my wife. I said no, that she was my nurse. "You need nurse all the time?" I replied that I did and watched the great sadness in his face as his eyes became moist. Then he began asking about my disability and when he heard that I was in a wheelchair for nearly 33 years, more sadness. He kept asking me about my physical limitations and finally had to walk away for a few seconds as he was so upset.

When he came back, he leaned on my door and I put my hand on his shoulder and said "but Hari, I have something most people do not have. I am a happy man who loves many people. I wish that for you, my friend."

When we parted that evening he called me his brother. Hearing that we were family, I dropped off a good deal of homemade Indian food the next day. I told him that's what it's like to have a Jewish brother!

So this is where we meet, with his life as an immigrant from India and my life as a quadriplegic. But just because we meet there, it doesn't mean we will stay there. Over the next few visits, I've heard a good deal about his dreams and his fears. He has heard about what is exciting in my life and what is difficult.

In this season of miracles-the miracle of rebirth and the miracle of freedom from enslavement – I am reminded of and oft repeated phrase in the Old Testament: "God is one". Many interpret this to mean there is one God. Maybe that's what it means, I'm certainly not a biblical scholar. But perhaps it means that when we are one, we experience godliness.

There is a Jewish parable that I discussed in "Letters to Sam", in which it is said that before an infant is born, God infuses that infant with all of the wisdom they need in life. And then puts his finger on the child's lip and says Shhh, thus sealing a secret pact between that child and God. And as the story goes, that's why we all have that indentation on our upper lip. That's God's fingerprint!

May we all see the fingerprint on each other whether we are Muslim or Christian or Jew, whether we are disabled or star athletes. I wish for all of us to have encounters like the one I had with Hari. May we all have more brothers and sisters and have a sacred experience.

Dr Gotlieb,

Wow! Thanks for your story. Thanks for taking the time to tell us the story. What a spiritual man you are and what great teachings you have to share with us.

Thank you,
Deborah

As I am sure many of you know, CBS commentator Mike Wallace passed away a few days ago at age 93.  About 20 years ago Wallace took the courageous step of acknowledging his own experience with major depression.  He joined forces with Pulitzer Prize wining author Bill Styron and columnist and humorist Art Buchwald who had also spoken publicly about their depression and jokingly called themselves’ the Blues Brothers.

Who knows how many lives were saved by this powerful public figure taking ownership of his own illness.  We never know what impact it has when we shamelessly talk about something that is often seen as shameful.

When I speak about my own history of depression with high school students I always have several come up to me and tell me they’re depressed and ask me how they can get help.

I've said before that we are teachers, whether we like it or not. If we take ownership of our lives, we can teach that we can be vulnerable and strong. We can be dependent without losing dignity. We can have lives that may be difficult but we can live our lives with grace and gratitude.

These are lessons that we can teach the larger world. And if they can learn these lessons, we to really make the world a more gentle place.

This past week I received an award from the University of Pennsylvania Program for Mindfulness. It was called the "Living from the Heart" award. But to be honest, I think I just received the award because I am a nice guy and I care a lot about people. I don't know, it's kind of nice that we give awards for stuff like that, maybe everybody who's nice and cares a lot about people should get an award!

But I tell you this not to brag (okay, maybe just a tiny bit!) but to tell you about my daughter Alison. She was asked to make a few comments prior to receiving the award. This always makes me nervous as she inevitably says something both embarrassing and accurate about me!

That night, however, she compared me to her three legged dog Marley. When people see Marley a comment about how sad it is and how difficult her life must be. Marley, on the other hand, is just doing her life and not feeling sad. So she said that's what her father did-when stuff happens, he just does his life.

I told her she is not the first person that compared me to a dog, but this was the most complementary comparison. Marley has no ego. So she didn't lose "her" leg, she lost "the" leg. She doesn't suffer, because suffering is about wanting this moment to be different from what it is. The only thing Marley wants is food, a nice piece of lawn in which to relieve herself, and the companionship of her mother. No ego. No self. No personal pronouns. She is just she is just doing her life.

No one knows if dogs are really capable of thinking, but if they were, Marley certainly wouldn't be thinking about her leg.
After my mother died, my father would often say he was ready to leave this life. My instinct was to reassure him that he was loved and needed, but one day I asked him if he really wanted to die. "Some days, he said. "Some days I think about the fact that my wife died, my daughter died and my son is in a wheelchair-those days I feel ready to go."
I said "but dad, those things are true every day. What about the other day that you are not ready to die?"
And he gave the answer Marley would have given: "those days, I'm not thinking about those things, I'm probably thinking more about where I will go for lunch!"

So my daughter compared me to her dog and I guess I just compared my father. I wonder if there is some kind of genetic linkage.

I have been green since 1972, I was injured before many of my doctors were alive. I wish people would never say "I know how you feel", because I know they don't. Humans are not intended to have titanium rods and screws in their spine.  My spine tells me this every day, even when I am lying in bed...but the best part is....I am Not six feet under. I am lucky. And I have been given the gigantic gift of knowing that I don't know how people feel and to really listen to them...x pro water-skier for ABC MarineWorld

wonderfully spoken from the Heart....thank you it brightened my day and that is such a precious gift

when I was in Denver last month, a young man on a bus approached me and said "God wants you healed". My response was: "where did you ever get the idea that I wasn't already healed?"
This young man was studying to be a missionary – to teach and preach and, I guess, help people change.
But who needs to change and why? The mental health community has shifted their perspective and is now talking about the recovery movement. To build a life of meaning and joy whether you have symptoms of mental illness or not.
of course we have had our own recovery movement for several decades.
But I am afraid many of us get caught up in what that young man was thinking – that we are not okay until we are somehow different.

What does it take to be okay and do you already have it?

Am quite sick of bipedal born-again ignorami telling me they can heal me. Hey arsehole: I just did a 1:50 marathon. Heal that!

I know we have all had many stories like that. People have come up to me and said they would pray for me and one woman said "oh my, is there a cure?" At the time I was sitting in the park enjoying myself and in that moment I didn't know what I needed to be cured of. I know there is no cure for my baldness-or my neurosis for that matter.
But my favorite story took place many years ago as I was waiting in the lobby of a teaching hospital for a colleague. I often can be seen with my briefcase on my lap and a modified mug of coffee. On this particular day a woman walked by and put a dollar in my mug! Realizing what she did she was so embarrassed that she came back and tried to get her dollar back. I told her that wasn't going to happen and I was going to use that to get more coffee!

These aren't bad people, nor are they judge mental. These are people who are anxious and uncomfortable when they first see us. And lest we judge them, this discomfort around seeing someone who is "different" is part of how we have survived as a species. After all, if we opened our minds and hearts when we were in cave's, we wouldn't have survived very long as there was real danger out there.

Unfortunately, the brain these days proceeds danger when there really is none. But that's why people are startled when they see someone who is "different". Or, to put it more primitively, we get wary when we see someone from a different tribe. And that is both understandable and that is also the roots of all prejudice and discrimination.

I have said elsewhere that like it or not, we are teachers. And we teach others about how people in our tribe can be very human, kind and productive. We can also teach them that we can be resentful or withdrawn.

30 years ago I hated being in this tribe. Now it is an honor.

Couldn't of been said better. Especially like the last line "30 years ago I hated being in this tribe. Now it is an honor."

Not to brag :-)) I change the 30 to 62 and it is an honor.

Hi Thomas..................I'll take your 62.......and up it to 69 ! I too am a member of the tribe......and it is indeed......an honor !

I think I've mentioned a quote by a well-known psychoanalyst named Marion Woodman: "the divine child is always an orphan".

There is a quality about being human that carries with it a sense of being unique in this world. And being unique also means being different at the deepest levels.

I felt that way most of my life has a child with a learning disability who did poorly in school, later as an adolescent who was silently molested by his teacher, and still later as I struggled to get into college. I always felt different, but I always hoped that if I did things differently, I wouldn't feel different anymore. And then when I broke my neck, I realized that would never change no matter what I did. Many months of despair and depression followed that profound sense of being alone. And then there came a sense of freedom as I explored what it meant to be human. What makes us unique and what makes us different?

This business of being alone is something that can cause excruciating pain, and can also be the birthplace of great creativity. So, like Marion Woodman says-that spiritual child inside of all of us is an orphan. And some of us are conscious of that. And some of those who are conscious of it are in excruciating pain. And those who are fortunate enough to have made peace with it, understand that although we are orphans, we are living in a very rich and interesting orphanage!

I post the following poem below with permission

Karle Wilson Baker

God said,
Say, "We";
But I shook my head,
Hid my hands tight behind my back, and said,
Stubbornly, I said
"I."

God said,
Say, "We",
But I looked upon them, grisly and all awry.
Myself in all those twisted shapes?  Ah, no!
Distastefully I turned my head away,
Persisting,
"They."

God said,
Say, "We";
But I held my distance.  I would not join.
Carelessly and arrogantly I rejected my place
With my people.

God said,
Say, "We";
And I
At last
Richer by a hoard
Of years
And tears
Looked in their eyes and found the heavy word
That bent my neck and bowed my head;
Like a shamed child then I mumbled low,
"We,
God."

Sounds pretty damn pessimestic to me.

Hi Dan........it's my personal belief that.....yes......we are all born divine children who are orphans.......until we discover the love of God.......and join His family........that it is our job on this earth.......to find this connection to Him......and all that that means . This feeling of loneliness......the pain of that feeling is the motivation to find that connection ......and when we do.......the pain goes away......and in it's place.....a feeling of belonging......a feeling of being truly connected.......a feeling of love. This " family " is one where we can be unique.......different..........and ilve a very rich and rewarding life ..........This is just a personal belief........ one I felt compelled to share, after reading Karle Bakers profound poem.......

Okay Thomas..........let's think about this..........and no.....I wasn't bluffing ! Any ideas?

whether it's through the discovery of God or our common humanity, once that happens we feel less alone in the world and more connected with our fellow humans. And once that happens, we are able to experience something everyone pursues – a sense of well-being.

And all of this happens whether we are in wheelchairs or Olympic athletes. You see, suffering is not about the facts of our lives. Suffering is about how we experience our lives. And if we are transformed to begin to care deeply about the quality of others lives, our suffering diminishes greatly.

The pursuit of personal justice can be about righteous indignation. The pursuit of social justice can only be about a selfless desire to make the world a better place.

What do you think?

Hii Dan..........I think we can begin to experience a life of meaning......well being......even joy.....in direct relation to how much we can distance ourselves from " I " this.....and " I " that. I think that we start to live our lives with Grace when we can honestly connect with another.......especially in a helping way.....even if it's only listening. Caring for another......somehow, softens and opens the heart......and joy comes in the simple act of that striving to be connected ! There is a real transformation with this act........and it might just be a real answer to how much suffering we will have in this life. I do know that......the more we can all do to achieve this connection............the world will most certainly be.....a better place...........even if the end goal is more simple than that....., just to be there for someone else. I know what I wanted to say......just not sure I said it very clearly........oh well........

hi Norma,

The Buddha once said: "if I could summarize all of my teachings into one sentence it would be: disavow anything that begins with high, me or mine."

The Buddha sure had his way with words

Dan..........He sure did.......thanks !