Just read your blog about how nervous you were when you did my radio. Truth be told, I like nervous guests. You see, when my guests are nervous I can relax and they will let me take them where I want to go. But when my guests are not nervous, then I get nervous! So thank you for being a nervous guest. And by the way, you were wonderful.

One thing that disappointed me when I read the American Airlines story was how many of the people who responded negatively were actually wheelchair users themselves. Perhaps our "minority" doesn't feel as much connection to one another because we come from so many different backgrounds? I personally felt like I had to say a little something about why flying is difficult for people in wheelchairs. I did feel a bit better about the state of the world in general when I looked at the MSNBC site where it was originally posted and there were several comments that were defending her. 

On another note, congratulations on your own travels! I love traveling myself, and my own dream is to go to China again sometime (I went there twice before I became paraplegic). The awful stories you hear about certain airlines are definitely discouraging, though, so it's great to balance them out by reading about some positive experiences. 

Thank you for the compliment on my pictures. I'm glad you liked them. Next, I have to put a Shutterfly album together of our adventures.

Barcelona was a great experience and I hope other US cities follow their example. As much as I love NYC I hate what we went through as far as transportation on our last visit. Yay for Philadelphia!

I read the Huffington Post article and was very upset by some of the comments. I commented but never returned to see if it was posted.


Elle and I just returned from Nashville. Delta has a plane with seats behind first class with a wide aisle. Elle could transfer right from her chair to the seat of the plane. When we reached Atlanta we had to rush to catch our connection to Nashville. I bolted off the plane, grabbed her chair, told the flight attendants we were in a hurry and got off the plane with the other passengers. We haven't ever been able to do that before. The plane is a B757-200 (N) 

In the eight years that we have been traveling together I think the airlines are getting better. There is still a lack of communication between the airline and the airport staff that must have the straight-back chairs ready. In Atlanta they didn't have enough staff and two young men rushed on the plane to help Elle. They had just run across the airport. Then they had to dash to another gate as we left. The airlines have to find a way to communicate with the gates before the plane lands. Maybe hire more people or have more straight-back chairs. The solution seems so easy yet continues to be a problem. Then there was Spain who had it all covered - no issues - no problems. A flight attendant even asked Elle during our flight to Barcelona to let her know when she would need the straight-back chair during the flight. 

I have noticed that most gate personnel are using the word "transfer" when talking to Elle. This shows me they have had some training. I just think they need a little more - or maybe a lot more for some.

Kelsea,

sadly in today's world nobody takes the time to listen to the story. We have this snapshot of her story and the airline's story and then everybody gets reactive. If only we could listen for 10 min. as this woman talked about the experience of traveling, what she wanted and why she made the decisions she made. Then she would have seen more three dimensional – a real person and not just some demanding woman with a disability. So sad that we cannot listen to each other without becoming reactive.

By the way, two years ago I travel to Taiwan two years ago and I had a wonderful experience. I was able to take the train to some of the major cities but didn't have any experience with local transportation as I was being shuttled around in an accessible mini van. But the people were so kind and generous that I felt I could do anything while I was there. I highly recommend visiting their!

On December 20, 1979, I kissed my wife and young daughter's goodbye, walked across the lawn and climbed into my car to go to work. Those would be the last steps I would ever take. An hour later while driving down the Pennsylvania Turnpike, I saw a black thing coming out of the sky that crushed my car and broke my neck turning me into a quadriplegic. I later found out that black thing was the wheel of a tractor-trailer that had broken off and bounced across the road.
As expected there were months of despair that turned into years. I became so narrowly focused on my body that I didn't notice how many loving people were in my life, how tenaciously I worked to rebuild a life. All I was aware of was what I had lost.
And I lost plenty. Not only was I paralyzed from the chest down and could not use my hands any longer, I lost independent bladder and bowel function. I lost my ability to dance and make love like I used to. And I lost my wife – my partner.
With all of my losses, I chose life. I'm not a hero or even an exception. I chose life because I am a living being and with very few exceptions, given the choice we choose life. So many people don't make that decision. They tell themselves that life will happen when… It breaks my heart because once we choose life, we can finally mourn what we don't have, give up trying to have something we can't have and open to the lives we have.
I have a three-year-old buddy named Jacob. I had the privilege of watching him take his first step. I watched with awe as he let go of the security of the hand he was holding and stood there shaky and tentative not knowing what he was capable of. And then after a few tries, he took that first step towards his mother's arms and how excited we all were.
What happens when we let go of the security of our "story" of our lives? First I was a psychologist, then I was a father, then I was a quadriplegic, then it was a victim, then I was a survivor. And now I am simply a 65-year-old man who has tasted most of the flavors life has to offer; despair, joy, hopelessness, happiness, love and heartbreak and love and more love.
And gratitude. As I age and my body asks for more attention, my gratitude increases. I'm grateful for this day, for this life, for each breath. Grateful that I have children and a grandchild I adore and grateful that I have so many people I love so very much.
Please join me in celebrating life today, buy flowers, taste your food, love who you love and enjoy this treasure.

"....once we choose life, we can finally mourn what we don't have, give up trying to have something we can't have and open to the lives we have....What happens when we let go of the security of our "story" of our lives?...I tasted most of the flavors life has to offer; despair, joy, hopelessness, happiness, love and heartbreak and love and more love...And gratitude...grateful that I have so many people I love so very much...celebrat(e) life today...love who you love and enjoy this treasure."

This thought applies to so many events of loss in one's life.  Thank you for putting the words together.  Christine's choice has opened a subject that maybe we should all talk about with more candor in the future?

I write this on December 27, 2011. This would have been my wedding 42nd anniversary. I had my accident on December 20 while I was on my way to pick up a gift for my wife to celebrate our 10th anniversary. Unfortunately our 10th anniversary was celebrated while I was in intensive care on life support.
10 years later Sandy left. She told me this disability broke her spirit and my marriage. When she left, I was frightened for both of us. Terrified of facing my life with a partner and frightened for her as I do she was not healthy physically. Now her spirit was broken. My fears turned out to be true. Shortly after she left became ill with MS. It wasn't long before her illness took her life.
At the moment, I am in what was my parents apartment in Atlantic City overlooking the ocean. On this stormy day, I have spent watching the ocean become more intense and gray as the wind blows over the sand seemingly pushing it back to the ocean. I watch with awe as the seagulls flying in pairs apparently effortlessly despite the wind. Nature moves and moves in ways I don't understand, I can only feel awe.
And as I watch this magnificent spectacle, I think of Sandy's life and mine. How she died and I live.
It's always a matter of life and death as we frequently forget. I don't think we could appreciate life if it were not for death. And we know that death makes us aware that life is so precious, so fragile. Once I experienced how capricious life and death really are, I began to revere the world around me. I am so small, nature is so vast. I understand so little and nature understands everything. I feel humble and grateful. I feel all awe.

Oh God, Dan. I had no idea about you and Sandy. I can bet you absolutely hate the following word I feel to describe what you are to me: You are my hero.

Warmly,
Saralee

Your description above moves my heart and those of countless folks who may feel alone to know they are not due to you and the spirit in nature

I believe something changes in our world view as a result of sitting in a wheelchair without sensation. We spend years and sometimes decades fighting with this horrific injustice. And then when we give up the battle, something begins to change.sometimes we begin to experience our lives differently.
I've treated several peoplewho either had a debilitating disease or were terminally ill with cancer. And like us, they rail against the gods about the injustice. And then they feel terrified that their lives are slipping through their finger. And then something happens-almost with all of them: there is a point where they become at peace with the lives they have. I can see the change in their eyes before they open their mouths. Several have told me that they feel more alive than they ever have in their lives.
Two years ago in the early spring, I spoke with a friend of mine who was near death from breast cancer. Someone helped her and her children to the beach in Ocean City. Two week two walk, they carried her to a chair on the sand where she watched her for children playing. I happened to call her at that moment and I asked her how she was. She said: "you know Dan, I think this is the best day of my life." And it was. She died about 10 days later.
peace doesn't come when we win wars. Peace happens when we stop fighting.

Hi Dan,

We have posted a lot about acceptance, adjustment, and fighting with the injustice of SCI.  Do you think the way a person was paralyzed plays any role in their ability to find peace with the situation?

So let’s say your injury is the result of a crime, an accident caused by someone else, an accident caused by yourself, medical mistake or even as a result of your own stupidity; does it make a difference in your ability to find peace?

I think about this a lot because my husband’s paralysis was caused by the carelessness of a reckless teenager on the highway.  I think about her quite often even after 10 years.  In some ways I feel like we were victims of a crime. 

I tell myself I could feel better, get past the anger if I could just talk to her.  I want to know who she is, what she was doing, where she was going and why, what happened, has the accident change her life any.  And I would like to tell her how it has changed my husband’s, mine and our kids.  Would this change anything?  Probably not. 

I have this need to blame someone…like that helps.  Maybe it’s just convenient that I have this faceless teenager to fulfill this need.  I don’t know how I would feel if the injury happened another way.  If my husband had caused the accident, would I blame him?  If he was drinking and driving and this happened, would I leave him rather than spend the rest of my life caring for him?  I just don’t know.

You said peace happens when we stop fighting.  How do I stop fighting when that faceless, reckless teenager still enters my thoughts all the time?  How do any of us stop fighting with the circumstance that caused the injury?

  Hi Trish!

  I may not be qualified to answer your situation. I am a T-4 parapalegic for 13 years now and have found peace and happiness in my life and I think live a pretty full, active life. The thing is that perhaps it may sound corny or like same ol same ol to you, but first thing that you are going to have to do to truly find peace is to forgive that faceless teenager! I held a grudge as my accident was purely that but I still blamed another for the first few years, but until I refound my religion and belief in God and followed his teaching to forgive I was not happy in my life no matter how hard I tried. Now I am almost always happy, my friends enjoy seeing me for I am happy and life is just so much better. I hope that you do not take this as preaching at you! I also wish you all of the luck in the world in finding your inner peace. Take good care.

 Your new friend and supporter, Dwight

Hi Trish,

A wise person once said to me that holding on to resentments is like mud wrestling with a pig. You both will get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.
Your original question was an interesting one and I don't know of any research about the relationship between how an accident happens and the recovery process. But I do know anger is an inevitable byproduct of injustice. And what happened to all of us is unjust. So what now?

I hated the truck driver that caused my accident. Then I hated the tire and rubber Company that created the defective wheel. There was a lawsuit and I won enough money to build a comfortable house. But still no justice because I still hated that company.

Forgiveness, in my case, was a byproduct of reclaiming my life. And then my life became about the people I loved and trying to keep this body functioning. And one day I thought about that tire and rubber Company and realized that I don't care about them.

I know from your postings that you feel pretty powerless over your life and in fact, your life is very difficult. You are angry at the injustice you experience every day of your life. And I think most caregivers feel the same way, exhausted, frustrated and angry, and spiritually and emotionally malnourished.

It doesn't matter if this girl knows, the only thing that matters is your welfare in this process. Your life is difficult all day every day from what you've told us. And to go through that life with a malnourished spirit makes it so much more to difficult.

By now you know my mantra: take good care of Trish, sleep, eat, and bring more pleasure into your life – everything else will be easier after that.

Went to dinner last week with my friends daughter. Coming out of the restaurant, my automatic door and ramp didn't work so she had to do it manually. But then driving home, something felt very wrong with the van and I felt unsafe driving. So I turned on my flashers and drove about 5 miles an hour. By the time I got home, I was pretty shaken-a feeling I know pretty well when I feel at risk.

The next day I was going to a five day meditation retreat so I had my van towed to the repair shop and I rented another. As many of you know, the tie downs on rented vans are not as secure as electronic ones, but never had any trouble before so off we went with my nurse driving. A fellow behind us thought we should be driving much faster so he passed us on an exit ramp and got in front of us and slammed on the brakes. The tie downs didn't hold me and my chair went towards the dashboard. I didn't hit very hard so I wasn't injured, but again I was shaken (and furious)

So off I went to the workshop to meditate for five days. And the first couple of days were awful for me. I really felt my vulnerability and I felt powerless to deal with it. So emotions like anxiety and insecurity flooded in as I had no distraction. Because all I could do is feel my feelings.

The fact is, I am and we are that vulnerable. So am I in denial when I am not feeling that fear and powerlessness? I don't think so.
Most days I wake up feeling that my life is good and I am a more than a player in my life story, I am the writer and producer. As I've talked about before, I am fortunate enough to give and receive a great deal of love and am very confident in myself.

And then for the first 48 hours for the retreat, my narrative was that I was a victim and powerless, that my life was difficult and always would be.

It's amazing how we humans can have different stories about our lives. And depending on how we experience the story of our lives, we can enjoy our lives and feel powerful or we can feel helpless and suffer.

The issue is not so much about disability, the issue is about how we tell the story of our lives.

Dan - I'm not sure this reply is in direct relation to your current post. But I am sure it's in direct relation to you.

Last night, around 3 in the morning, I was in too much pain to sleep. I began tossing around, feeling that awful antsy - 'I've got to move!' feeling and getting more and more into the pain and spasms. Then I thought of you. (Now that does sound funny :)

I said to myself, "This is what Dan would probably say - something like 'Saralee, don't be your pain. Observe it.'" And so, for the first time I did. I thought, "Oh - legs - what a drag that you're feeling like this." I felt compassion for my legs but I stopped being a part of the pain - meaning within the pain - and instead looked at it.

Sheesh - this all made so much sense until I just began trying to put it into words.

Shoot!

Warmly,
Saralee

Well said Saralee! I read both of Christopher's books two summers ago (Still Me and Nothing is Impossible) and in Nothing is Impossible, he writes something that may apply to this:

“If we accept that the mind/body connection can produce harmful effects, then we can assume that the same connection has a healing power as well.”

Both books overall are truly wonderful reads and very enlightening!

Hi JLo, Oh yes. Really well said. (I'm being sarcastic:) I knew what I was trying to say but not able to put it into words. I'm glad you got my drift though. It actually worked to be an observer of my body pain rather than be in it.

I have read both of Reeve's books. The best part of them, in my opinion, is that when Reeve wrote, he wrote as if he was talking to the reader. Very conversational and normal vs stuffy the way many writers are, I think.

Thanks for your reply!

Saralee

hi Saralee,

I think you were very clear about what happened to you, and I am so happy about it. There is now so much research about Self-Compassion that if we could feel that towards ourselves, we are more likely to be more productive in our lives, healthier and have a greater sense of well-being.
Compassion is not self-pity or narcissism. Compassion is just being aware of our suffering and caring deeply.

you've made me happy Saralee. Thank you for that

I recently received an e-mail from a mother of a disabled child. She posed the question anyone who has lived through trauma always asks: "why me?". But she knew this question causes suffering so knowing I had endured so many significant losses in my life, she wanted to know when I stopped asking myself that question.

She went on: "I struggle so much with the thought that I must have done something wrong in order for this to have happened to our family.  I constantly ask myself whether it was too selfish of me to want just one more healthy child - that I tested fate in some way and lost.  When, if ever, do these feelings go away?

Her last question was the easiest. Those feelings go away simply because they are feelings and all feelings come and go. Even when she says she "constantly" asks herself, she probably only does that periodically throughout the day. So thoughts and feelings come and go. If we let them.

But that doesn't answer the question. When we asked that question it implies we are asking it of someone or something who we believe creates an organized and just universe for us. And of the many people who believe that, the answer is: "it happened for a reason and you will discover the reason." The funny thing is that answer rarely makes any one feel better.

But we must ask that question because our universe just became chaotic and our brains don't tolerate chaos very well so we tried to find order. After all, thinking that what happened to us was a random event that we have no control over is probably too much to handle – in the short run anyway.

So we tried to find order. We do it by blaming someone or something. We can blame God and sometimes even blame the victim. But usually we blame ourselves, irrational as it may be.
All in a desperate effort to create some kind of order out of chaos.

We do need order in our lives, and those who do well in the wake of trauma are able to take their suffering and find meaning. So parents of disabled children may find themselves being more loving and compassionate or they might devote their lives to whatever cause will help similar children.

Many in wheelchairs devote their energies to trying to make the world a better place for those who are disabled.

Once the focus of our lens changes, that question goes away. But I do want to share another experience that has me again asking that same question.

I attended a lecture given by well-known Holocaust survivor Gerda Weissman Klein. She was on Hitler's death March where the majority of her fellow prisoners died in the cold. On her 21st birthday, her friend Ilse presented her with a raspberry she had found earlier and saved it for Gerda's birthday.

Most of us were crying and she concluded her talk by saying: "when you approach your home tonight, look at it through the eyes of a homeless person. When you walk inside and look in your kitchen, opened the pantry and see all the food and look at it through the eyes of someone who is hungry. And then look to the heavens and say "why me? What have I done to deserve all of this goodness I am surrounded with?"

Because of her, I am lucky enough to ask that question every day.

Dan,

Well, I do have another way of thinking when it comes to the "Why me?" question. I happen to believe in the chaos theory you mention in today's post. That is not always bad.

Therefore, as a 'chaos' believer, when I ask the question, "Why me?" the only sensible response considering my world view is, "Why not?"

Hence, that stops me from asking the question in the first place. 

Your foreverly-understanding friend,

Saralee

Dr. Dan,

Stumbled across this discussion and wow ... although for the most part I feel grounded in my knowing and conviction that our lives, my son and mine, are perfect right here and now, surrounded in perfection ... feelings and emotions come and go that I still find myself embracing but knowing they do not come from the truth of our existence I let them go as quick as possible ... for instance the feeling of "why me" pops up and I eagerly replace it with "what next". "What next" heals and excites me, allowing me to be the support  my son needs and encouraging me to create an atmosphere of empowerment that will provide healing for him as well. This idea of changing the perspective of my questions to focus on abundance is a profound way to perceive our lives from the positive and to create the awareness I want to move forward from.

Our situation is that three weeks ago my son had surgery to stop a kyphotic curve to his back which rapidly progressed and was quite advanced in nature ... complications arose in the surgery and he either experienced spinal shock or infarction (although no infarction was evident on the MRI post-op). His injury is to T-10 and he is not having sensation or movement below the belly button. The whole team at the hospital is optimistic that the condition is temporary. Do you know of anyone that could help me understand his trajectory better and what sorts of questions I should be asking the medical team. My son is also very depressed and frustrated and I wonder how to better support him in this certain uncertainty? He is a precious child that is so rooted in unconditional love and spiritually his light shines so bright that he naturally fills rooms and people's lives with his pure joy. However he is barely twinkling these days and I want to support him as best as I can to face the unknown with the known.

Thank you and I appreciate all ideas and suggestions ... this has been a shock and we were quite unprepared.

Gratefully Walid's Mom, Debbie

Love why not ... yes, yes, yes!!

Oh Debbie,

I am so sorry to hear what your family is going through. Of course your son is depressed, I am sure he is also pretty frightened. Sometimes depression is a way of tempering down big moods. So his depression could be we of managing feelings of terror or despair.
What he needs is companionship, compassion and love. He needs to know what I am sure you have communicated to him-that his love and security is there no matter what shape his body is in.
I told the story on another post of a woman who was undergoing chemotherapy and looked pretty frail as she walked through a hospital lobby with her four-year-old son. They were approaching a big revolving door when this son said "mommy, I'm scared" referring to the door. The mother said "you know honey, I'm a little scared to. But will hold hands and go through it together."

You need brains smarter than mine to tell you what questions you should be asking of the doctors, but I will weigh in first. If that were my son I would want to know exactly what happened and how we can find out what happened. I would want to know what are the signs of recovery and what recovery looks like both in his body and in his spinal cord. I also want to know about rehab and what therapies will be helpful – all of this not to mention bowel and bladder issues.

I would not consider therapy just yet. He needs to be held in the bosom of a safe and loving family and he needs to know that there is nothing wrong with his mind that what he is experiencing is normal and natural and in a way healthy

Dr. Dan: I have been in a wheelchair since 1950 due to polio. The "why me" syndrome was very strong at first but over the years it gradually faded. However after reading this post by you it has again come up only with a different twist and I really like it, not for myself but with future conversations with people who they are asking themselves "why me." 

Thanks for the inspiration.