http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here
I will be posting here every week with some thoughts and experiences about a wide range of relevant topics from abilities to disabilities from life to death from joy to despair and from spirituality to spasms!

In short, this will become essentially a blog where you can pose questions, react to my entries or invite me to address something that is important to you.

see you on Tuesday!

Dan
 
Daniel Gottlieb PhD
www.DrDanGottlieb.com ]]> en-us Tue, 22 May 2012 16:58:28 GMT http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=190192#tr__190192 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=190192#tr__190192 This young man was studying to be a missionary – to teach and preach and, I guess, help people change.
But who needs to change and why? The mental health community has shifted their perspective and is now talking about the recovery movement. To build a life of meaning and joy whether you have symptoms of mental illness or not.
of course we have had our own recovery movement for several decades.
But I am afraid many of us get caught up in what that young man was thinking – that we are not okay until we are somehow different.

What does it take to be okay and do you already have it?]]> Tue, 22 May 2012 16:58:28 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=189608#tr__189608 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=189608#tr__189608 Wed, 16 May 2012 17:07:25 GMT Arlene http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=189606#tr__189606 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=189606#tr__189606 Wed, 16 May 2012 16:56:22 GMT Arlene http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=188780#tr__188780 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=188780#tr__188780
But I tell you this not to brag (okay, maybe just a tiny bit!) but to tell you about my daughter Alison. She was asked to make a few comments prior to receiving the award. This always makes me nervous as she inevitably says something both embarrassing and accurate about me!

That night, however, she compared me to her three legged dog Marley. When people see Marley a comment about how sad it is and how difficult her life must be. Marley, on the other hand, is just doing her life and not feeling sad. So she said that's what her father did-when stuff happens, he just does his life.

I told her she is not the first person that compared me to a dog, but this was the most complementary comparison. Marley has no ego. So she didn't lose "her" leg, she lost "the" leg. She doesn't suffer, because suffering is about wanting this moment to be different from what it is. The only thing Marley wants is food, a nice piece of lawn in which to relieve herself, and the companionship of her mother. No ego. No self. No personal pronouns. She is just she is just doing her life.

No one knows if dogs are really capable of thinking, but if they were, Marley certainly wouldn't be thinking about her leg.
After my mother died, my father would often say he was ready to leave this life. My instinct was to reassure him that he was loved and needed, but one day I asked him if he really wanted to die. "Some days, he said. "Some days I think about the fact that my wife died, my daughter died and my son is in a wheelchair-those days I feel ready to go."
I said "but dad, those things are true every day. What about the other day that you are not ready to die?"
And he gave the answer Marley would have given: "those days, I'm not thinking about those things, I'm probably thinking more about where I will go for lunch!"

So my daughter compared me to her dog and I guess I just compared my father. I wonder if there is some kind of genetic linkage.]]> Tue, 08 May 2012 21:32:00 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=185539#tr__185539 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=185539#tr__185539
Who knows how many lives were saved by this powerful public figure taking ownership of his own illness.  We never know what impact it has when we shamelessly talk about something that is often seen as shameful.

When I speak about my own history of depression with high school students I always have several come up to me and tell me they’re depressed and ask me how they can get help.

I've said before that we are teachers, whether we like it or not. If we take ownership of our lives, we can teach that we can be vulnerable and strong. We can be dependent without losing dignity. We can have lives that may be difficult but we can live our lives with grace and gratitude.

These are lessons that we can teach the larger world. And if they can learn these lessons, we to really make the world a more gentle place.]]> Tue, 10 Apr 2012 15:22:20 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=184785#tr__184785 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=184785#tr__184785
Wow! Thanks for your story. Thanks for taking the time to tell us the story. What a spiritual man you are and what great teachings you have to share with us.

Thank you,
Deborah]]> Wed, 04 Apr 2012 11:29:13 GMT Deborah Lynn http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=184730#tr__184730 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=184730#tr__184730
A couple of weeks ago I pulled in one evening on my way home and we talked for about 20 min. I found out his name was Hari and he came from India several years ago by himself. He is 22 years old and works at the gas station 14 hours a day. Then he rides his bicycle to his apartment 20 min. away. He said he was lonely but didn't have time to meet anyone because he worked so much. I was so sad that this bright young man struggled so just to stay afloat.

And then he asked me if the woman I was with the other day was my wife. I said no, that she was my nurse. "You need nurse all the time?" I replied that I did and watched the great sadness in his face as his eyes became moist. Then he began asking about my disability and when he heard that I was in a wheelchair for nearly 33 years, more sadness. He kept asking me about my physical limitations and finally had to walk away for a few seconds as he was so upset.

When he came back, he leaned on my door and I put my hand on his shoulder and said "but Hari, I have something most people do not have. I am a happy man who loves many people. I wish that for you, my friend."

When we parted that evening he called me his brother. Hearing that we were family, I dropped off a good deal of homemade Indian food the next day. I told him that's what it's like to have a Jewish brother!

So this is where we meet, with his life as an immigrant from India and my life as a quadriplegic. But just because we meet there, it doesn't mean we will stay there. Over the next few visits, I've heard a good deal about his dreams and his fears. He has heard about what is exciting in my life and what is difficult.

In this season of miracles-the miracle of rebirth and the miracle of freedom from enslavement – I am reminded of and oft repeated phrase in the Old Testament: "God is one". Many interpret this to mean there is one God. Maybe that's what it means, I'm certainly not a biblical scholar. But perhaps it means that when we are one, we experience godliness.

There is a Jewish parable that I discussed in "Letters to Sam", in which it is said that before an infant is born, God infuses that infant with all of the wisdom they need in life. And then puts his finger on the child's lip and says Shhh, thus sealing a secret pact between that child and God. And as the story goes, that's why we all have that indentation on our upper lip. That's God's fingerprint!

May we all see the fingerprint on each other whether we are Muslim or Christian or Jew, whether we are disabled or star athletes. I wish for all of us to have encounters like the one I had with Hari. May we all have more brothers and sisters and have a sacred experience.
]]> Tue, 03 Apr 2012 20:34:24 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=180643#tr__180643 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=180643#tr__180643 thanks so much for your good wishes. The colonoscopy was a breeze. Actually, a bit too much  breeze because they pumped me full of air and I was pretty breezy for the next 48 hours! (Maybe that's why nobody wanted to hang out with me).
Anyway, the procedure was uneventful and I got free graham crackers!
]]> Tue, 06 Mar 2012 14:22:44 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=180250#tr__180250 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=180250#tr__180250 Thu, 01 Mar 2012 20:53:04 GMT PRC_Bernadette http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=180003#tr__180003 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=180003#tr__180003
So what changed? Certainly the events around the colonoscopy haven't, but my perspective has changed. One of my mantras is "it's never about the thing, it's about what that thing means to you." To one person a wheelchair means the end of freedom and the beginning of a life of dependency. To another person the beginning of freedom and independence.

My colonoscopy used to mean humiliation and shame. Now my colonoscopy means not much more than a pain in the ####(sorry about that, I couldn't resist).
'
'The gift of aging is that we realize that this moment is not the moment it's simply a moment. So when we feel disgust or anger or sadness or self-pity, we must realize that those emotions, like all emotions, or temporary. And despite how important they might feel, they pass and new onescome right behind them if we let them.

so I will be getting in to bed soon and watch reruns of the Jon Stewart show and have fantasies of that wonderful meal I will be eating tomorrow afternoon.]]> Tue, 28 Feb 2012 19:58:57 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=179373#tr__179373 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=179373#tr__179373 Many years ago I treated a woman with diabetes who developed gangrene in her foot. She said "I would rather die than have my foot amputated." As the surgery approach, she became more frightened. And then a few days before surgery she was more tolerant of the idea.
When I commuted to work, I would stop in front of a lake every day to meditate. It was a beautiful bucolic scene and I enjoyed being with nature for those 30 min. One day I stopped to meditate and there was a big truck tire in the middle of the lake. I was infuriated almost as though I had been personally violated. And then every day when I stopped, all I could see was that damn tire. Perhaps I was so upset because it was a truck tire that this caused my accident 32 years ago. But I still would have been upset about nature being assaulted.
Over the next few months, I stopped staring at the tire. Not because I tried to, it just happened. It was almost as though I barely noticed it anymore. I was beginning to accommodate. And then about six months after that, I noticed the tire was covered with moss! It looked as though the lake itself accommodated that tire also.
How many of us have been told "I don't know how you do it, I don't think I could." When I hear that, I just smile inside, knowing that I am not a hero nor do I have more "strength" than an average person. It's just what we do. Just like that lake we find a way to live with life's assaults..
Our bodies, our spirits begin to heal shortly after the assault. It is our minds, our egos that cause our suffering. The ego makes all sorts of statements that begin with those dreaded personal pronouns: "I don't deserve this, why me, I am less of a person, I can never survive this."
So while the mind is busy railing at the gods, our hearts are slowly growing moss. I recommend that we pay more attention to the activity in our hearts then the activity in our minds.
It's nature's way.


]]> Tue, 21 Feb 2012 22:33:40 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=178465#tr__178465 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=178465#tr__178465
What we are really talking about here is gratitude. And there is lots of research about the impact of gratitude on our well-being.

Several years ago I was seeing a man of about 40 years old who had been depressed most of his life. He knew that he was hardwired to experience things negatively and never really felt happiness or joy for more than a few minutes. He had been in therapy often on most of his life and had tried lots of medications to know avail.

We talked a great deal about Self-Compassion and he practiced experiencing understanding and kindness for his brain/body that suffered. He was diligent about his practice and after a short period of time, found himself feeling less critical of himself-a little more kind.

And then I had him do another exercise. He was to notice three things every day that he felt grateful for. It could be gratitude for a nice day or even the fact that he was physically healthy that day. Anything. But he had to do more than name these things, he had to take about 60 seconds and allow himself to feel gratitude. He found this exercise difficult so we did it for two weeks and by the second week it was easier.

Over the next few months we increased that number from three to 50. Somewhere in the process he said "for the first time in my life, I feel like there is solid ground under my feet." And so it continued – the more grateful he felt, the more grateful he felt.

His practice of gratitude actually rewired his brain and he was looking at the world through a completely different lens – all of this while nothing on the outside changed.

He said he was so grateful to me for helping him. I said I was so grateful to him for what he has taught and will now enable me to teach others.]]> Tue, 14 Feb 2012 21:02:19 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=178446#tr__178446 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=178446#tr__178446
Thanks for the inspiration.]]> Tue, 14 Feb 2012 16:35:52 GMT Thomas http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=177707#tr__177707 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=177707#tr__177707
I am so sorry to hear what your family is going through. Of course your son is depressed, I am sure he is also pretty frightened. Sometimes depression is a way of tempering down big moods. So his depression could be we of managing feelings of terror or despair.
What he needs is companionship, compassion and love. He needs to know what I am sure you have communicated to him-that his love and security is there no matter what shape his body is in.
I told the story on another post of a woman who was undergoing chemotherapy and looked pretty frail as she walked through a hospital lobby with her four-year-old son. They were approaching a big revolving door when this son said "mommy, I'm scared" referring to the door. The mother said "you know honey, I'm a little scared to. But will hold hands and go through it together."

You need brains smarter than mine to tell you what questions you should be asking of the doctors, but I will weigh in first. If that were my son I would want to know exactly what happened and how we can find out what happened. I would want to know what are the signs of recovery and what recovery looks like both in his body and in his spinal cord. I also want to know about rehab and what therapies will be helpful – all of this not to mention bowel and bladder issues.

I would not consider therapy just yet. He needs to be held in the bosom of a safe and loving family and he needs to know that there is nothing wrong with his mind that what he is experiencing is normal and natural and in a way healthy]]> Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:10:42 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=176996#tr__176996 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=176996#tr__176996 Tue, 31 Jan 2012 22:03:34 GMT walid