http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here
I will be posting here every week with some thoughts and experiences about a wide range of relevant topics from abilities to disabilities from life to death from joy to despair and from spirituality to spasms!

In short, this will become essentially a blog where you can pose questions, react to my entries or invite me to address something that is important to you.

see you on Tuesday!

Dan
 
Daniel Gottlieb PhD
www.DrDanGottlieb.com ]]> en-us Wed, 22 May 2013 14:21:16 GMT http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=228563#tr__228563 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=228563#tr__228563 "I am too small in this world and not small enough to make every moment holy"

we are not big enough and powerful enough to change the world, to fix our bodies, to diminish the suffering of ourselves, our loved ones and other beings. We are just too small. So small that often doctors, loved ones and friends don't understand our experience, so small that we sometimes feel alone when we crave companionship and compassion.

And not small enough… If we find peace with our smallness, like what happens when we realize we are just a small and virtually irrelevant piece of this magnificent thing called nature, called living, then every moment becomes holy. Every breath we draw in oxygen from the trees around us and every time we exhale we nurture those trees with our carbon dioxide. That's a place we can only visit but very few live there.

Too small yet not small enough]]> Wed, 22 May 2013 14:21:16 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=227973#tr__227973 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=227973#tr__227973 Wed, 15 May 2013 15:44:23 GMT nanaboombala http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=227968#tr__227968 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=227968#tr__227968 Wed, 15 May 2013 14:55:46 GMT DonnaLee http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=227967#tr__227967 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=227967#tr__227967
When we arrived at this waterfall we found ourselves on a platform that was approximately 6 ft.square. As many of you know, we just don't get that close to nature. We get close enough to watch but rarely do we get close enough to be part of it. So my friend and his wife figured that we would stay at the waterfall for about 20 minutes and then go do some of the other things they planned. Well you may have heard the expression: "Man plans and God laughs", well we didn't stay on that platform for 20 minutes, we stayed for nearly 3 hours. And even then I didn't want to leave.

For those 3 hours, I watched as flowers and buds on trees were just coming to life knowing that they would flourish for about 4 months and then they would die. I sought trees that may have been there more than 100 years and I felt at peace knowing they would be there after I was gone. And then there was the waterfall. As I watched the water flowing over the rock, I saw the grooves that water made over the course of hundreds, if not thousands of years. I felt a deep sense of awe knowing that would continue for hundreds if not thousands of years.

And in that process, I felt so very small and unimportant knowing that I was just a speck on this planet and how fortunate I was to be that speck. All of a sudden my urinary tract and my neuropathic pain and spasms and all the other crap I worry about felt small in the presence of this awesome place. I was no longer Dan, I was just a being. For those 3 hours, my ego was quiet. What a treasure!

When I arrived back at my hotel, Joan discovered that I brought a piece of nature back with me. She found a tick feasting on my forehead! Oh well, nothing is perfect.]]> Wed, 15 May 2013 14:26:18 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=226676#tr__226676 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=226676#tr__226676
And the greatest pain I experience was what happened to Joan that day. I was distraught about the fact that she had to wait until a bus with a lift came and then had to wait some more while they figured out how to work it.
I was distraught when she had to get help for me and couldn't enjoy her day. I was distraught that she worried about me and so on and so forth.

Like most of us, I wanted what I had "yesterday" before all of this, BA (before accident). I wanted to be an afternoon that I shared with the woman I love and not an afternoon where she had to be upset. The guilt I felt was so very familiar. I felt that guilt towards my wife, my children and so many others. It harkens me back to dark and painful times.

When I am feeling better about myself and my world, I know that the gifts I bring far outweigh what gets lost. That what I have in the wake of all this is the ability to be with people, to listen, to care and even to love.

So what was different that day when I suffered so much at so many levels? When any of us feels vulnerable, what do we need? Compassion and understanding. Of course I had that from Joan that day, but I didn't have it for myself. Instead I was feeling self-pity and ashamed. These emotions are understandable as we all feel these emotions when things like this happen.

But while my ego was crying "look what I've lost, look what's happening to me, look what I've done to Joan", my heart was closed and I focused on what I've lost and I forgot who I am.

And like all emotions, thank goodness it didn't last very long! We really are just a part of nature sunny days when we open up and cloudy days when we close down and the great stability is when we truly know that everything comes and goes and very little is permanent.]]> Wed, 24 Apr 2013 20:00:56 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=226028#tr__226028 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=226028#tr__226028 when we left I had to traverse about 50 feet of lawn to get to the walkway. And when I did, my wheelchair got stuck in the mud and I needed help me get out. More vulnerability. And when I got to my Van I discovered someone had parked right next to my lift. I don't know what I would have done if Joan wasn't there. More vulnerability. I was off center for the rest of the day.
And 24 hours after my difficult day, Boston happened.
How vulnerable we all are. How fragile and precious this thing is that we call life.]]> Wed, 17 Apr 2013 18:02:10 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=225960#tr__225960 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=225960#tr__225960 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:19:56 GMT DonnaLee http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=225951#tr__225951 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=225951#tr__225951 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 17:40:06 GMT Jama http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=225922#tr__225922 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=225922#tr__225922 May they find joy and peace just as so many of us have]]> Tue, 16 Apr 2013 14:03:19 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=223846#tr__223846 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=223846#tr__223846
"how do we live the lives we have with grace and gratitude? How do we live our lives with the children we have with the disabilities they might have or we might have, with the flaws in our personality, with our insecurity? How do we live our lives with grace and gratitude even though I don't have a roadmap and sometimes don't even have a clue?

Bad news guys I don't have answers for you. Remember I am a therapist and we ask questions but don't give answers. But I'll tell you this, I have been fortunate enough to watch people who have had very broken bodies and broken lives and disabled children and worse who have been able to experience joy and gratitude. What do they have in common? I think they've all faced with the stark reality of life and death, the stark truth that what is happening in their lives right now won't go away despite all the complaining in the world. And then they decide whether to look forward or backward. Most humans when confronted with a choice between life and death choose life. I'm talking 99% choose life. Unfortunately, many of us are able to not choose and live with the comfort that today's suffering will predictably be here tomorrow.

On the first day of spring I wish you L'Chaim – to life]]> Wed, 20 Mar 2013 20:20:12 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=223829#tr__223829 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=223829#tr__223829
Seriously, Jama this is not about answers. What makes this whole thing work is about kindred spirits. It's about people telling their truths and not having to pretend that they are tougher than they feel but finding a place to feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable. And doing so without judgment. In doing so in the presence of people who "get it".

The research shows that people who feel alienated or alone in the world don't survive very long. And the difference between well-being-having a good life or not, often has to do with who you are surrounded with. How many people you have in your life that you truly care about and who care about you. I hope this is such a place for many people.

T M I? No, there is no such thing on these pages. I want people to share whatever they like. You too!]]> Wed, 20 Mar 2013 18:08:10 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=223030#tr__223030 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=223030#tr__223030 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 13:02:27 GMT Jama http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=222972#tr__222972 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=222972#tr__222972 Thu, 14 Mar 2013 01:28:26 GMT DonnaLee http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=222961#tr__222961 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=222961#tr__222961
Dr Dan,
I heard you say,
"Go to bed tonite loving our bodies".
Is that right?
We're ugly quads, you cracked? Have you nothing real to talk about?


Okay Tim, I'll talk about what's real for me (and something I'm not proud of). This will be in three parts:

part one: For many years after my accident I believed that not only was my body ugly, so was my dependency and helplessness. There was no question in my mind that I was unlovable and anyone who said they loved me, I assumed was lying.

That part is understandable. And this next part you might have difficulty believing. But stay tuned because it is the third part is about some internal experience I'm not proud of.

Part 2:10 years after the accident, my wife left which only proved I was unlovable. Then a very attractive woman moved in and proclaimed her love for me. Then I found out she was having an affair. More proof. It happened again.
But that was many years ago. And over the years I didn't think much about whether I was ugly or not, I was just doing my life and enjoying it more and more. I was finding the more I did to help others, the better I felt about myself. That the more I loved, the more worthy I felt. Still didn't think much about my body one way or the other. And then I developed life-threatening pneumonia about five years ago. And when I recovered I felt so grateful to be able to breathe without coughing. In the process, I learned a great deal about my pulmonary system and how fragile it is and how hard it has worked over the years to compensate for the paralysis. I began to realize how hard this broken body is working to keep me alive. Sure, there's more maintenance involved, but I just feel such a deep sense of gratitude for everything that it's doing. So maybe gratitude is the word that might fit better than love.

Part 3: over the last few years, I've become aware of how hard I work in the mornings to have my clothes just so. It's very important to me that my zipper be right in the middle. I work hard to find pants that won't ride up my crotch or, worse, have the waistband up around my ribs. My poor nurses work very hard in the morning. Mostly I wear sweaters that cover my big belly. And why? I guess I still think my body is on the ugly side and I tried to hide the parts I feel are unattractive.
And just a couple of weeks ago I tried to call my girlfriend and she didn't respond to my call in a couple of hours. I must have been a bit insecure that day but I began to wonder… I wondered if she was doing what the others were doing and then my mind quickly went to "maybe I am unlovable after all."
Fortunately, I know my mind and don't take it all that seriously because I know that would ever I am thinking and feeling will pass if I allow it to. And it did. But there are still shadows in their. Wish there weren't, but you know about wishing…

So Tim that's about as real as I get (I think!)

By the way, the end of your e-mail giving me permission, you said:
"by the way, I've been living as a C/4-5 quadriplegic for 10 years. I've had it with this life.

I would love to get to know you better and find out what your life is like. I'd also like to know what it is in your head and your heart that causes your greatest pain. Until then…

Please take care
]]> Wed, 13 Mar 2013 20:54:40 GMT Dan Gottlieb http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=222960#tr__222960 http://www.spinalcordinjury-paralysis.org/discussions/healing-the-mind-and/2010/11/29/the-view-from-here?tr=222960#tr__222960
Fear and its younger sibling anxiety, usually carries false information. All fear is about the future and we tend to catastrophize about terrible things that will happen. As Mark Twain once said: "I've lived through 1000 tragedies in my life and a few of them actually happened!"

But sometimes fear carries important information. And my fear was about the risk that this little cough in my chest could have dangerous consequences if it was unchecked. So I was very aggressive in dealing with this and thank goodness it never developed into anything catastrophic.

Today I feel much better. Thank goodness for that anxiety. Of course most of my anxiety is about very elaborate works of fiction that will happen in my future or that other people are thinking at any given moment. But this time anxiety was helpful.]]> Wed, 13 Mar 2013 20:32:53 GMT Dan Gottlieb