Healing the Mind and Heart-Why?

Dan Gottlieb — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 20:46:57 GMT

Hi Jeremy,

Welcome to the neighborhood! I I am sure you will find valuable resources and kindred spirits here.
When I was first injured, my daughters were five and six years old respectively. My wife and I were so worried about his hair seeing the oversight drainage bag on my bed that we did whatever we could to cover it. Somehow we thought it would be upsetting to the girls. Magically our anxiety dissipated and we stopped worrying (about that, anyway) and about three months later, one of my daughters came in the bedroom and said "daddy, you peed your brains out last night!" And we were worried.

It's not just because you are a critical care Dr. that you think worst-case scenario, it's because you have a worrying brain. A human brain. We are hardwired to anticipate difficulty. But because of these big frontal lobes, the area where we not only think, but create great stories, we anticipate difficulty when there really is none. Mark Twain once said: "I've lived through 1000 tragedies in my life and a few of them actually happened!"

Your son has a handicap. But there is no relationship between disability and happiness. And I trust that you, like most parents, wish only for our children's happiness and well-being. He will have difficult times, no doubt. And when he does you will feel helpless. But please remember these difficult times will not be the story of his life, they will only be the story of those difficult times.

Here I am a C-5 quadriplegic for the last 32 years – a 65-year-old man and I feel so happy and grateful for so many things. I wish the same for us you and your son and everyone you love

Dan

The Token Gimp — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 00:20:55 GMT

I'm a T-4 complete para, 53 from a car crash 30 years ago. I'd only been married 10 months at the time. We stayed married another 6 years, but the marriage was over long before that and we would not likely have remained together anyway. We did have a beautiful daughter who was married herself last fall. Many of my friends with SCI are fathers as well.

Since my crash it took a while to recover before I went to college for a couple years, then dropped out and went to work for 20 years. During that time I volunteered for various organizations and even co-founded a small non-profit. While in the hospital my recreation therapist introduced me to wheelchair racing and other sports. However after being struck by a car while in my wheelchair as I was changing a flat on my car I couldn't play softball or basketball so I focused on racing.

Never an athlete prior to my injury I completed hundreds of races including 53 marathons, as I travelled the US and internationally to Netherlands, Japan & New Zealand. I have been hit two more times by cars since then while in my racing chair. I also began riding a handcycle and tried waterskiing, snow skiing, hishing, hunting and boating. A music lover I found it easy to get back stage for the Stones, Pink Floyd, Hank Jr, Eric Clapton and other shows. Besides being hit by cars I've crashed several others, crashed wheelchairs in races and sometimes just fall out of my chair when trying to do too much. My last injury happened 6 years ago when coasting down the ramp at the office a co-worker stepped out in front of me. I hit his steel toe boot and was launched on to the concrete floor fracturing my right femur. Secondary issues of decubitus ulcers and contractures have me more disabled than ever before and require me to pay more attention to more important things.

I built my own home in 1991 and though I live alone have been gardening in my self-built raised beds and maintain nearly everything except the lawn and plowing snow. Wonderful neighbors help with that. Family & friends help with other chores.

Over the years drugs and alcohol were a less productive addition to my life, caused damage to finances, relationships and other issues so they are no longer used.

One of my best friends was a para when we first met 20 some years ago. He is now a full quadriplegic after 13 neck surgeries due to the type of injury he first suffered playing hockey back in 1976. His injury happened as an accident playing a sport he enjoyed in High School 5 years after his father died.

I believe my crash happened because I had bargained with God many times before while driving and though he let me escape harm I continued to break my promises of drinking and driving. There's a difference between a crash and an accident.

What I'm gettting at is neither of us ever asked why. We've talked about it and came to the same conclusion; "Sometimes things happen" However, since then I've learned much more about God and thought about "why" it's his plan not ours. Even though life sometimes treats us like a baby does a diaper we can show others that even with a disability life can be good and filled with joy. It's our choice how we respond to each day.

PEACE

Jeremy — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:46:16 GMT

Dr Dan -
I am new to the forum, but recieved some of your reply's through out email system. My wife and I very frequently ask the same questions of why regarding our son whom is 3. Partial T3 Spinal Cord injury. The why question has been a difficult question for us to work through and understand, and as you have said in your reply's - probably not one we will ever fully understand.
It brings to mind several stories that my wife and I have worried about over the last several years and I will just share a few. I would encourage you to think about your life and lessons that you have learned, and perhaps the "why" is what lessons you have to teach your child, or what lessons that child has to teach you. For example - First - I married my highschool sweetheart, we have been married for 13 years and together for 20. It has been throught with long distance relationships, failed attempts at school and such, and really a test of perserverance. Which I have come to think, one of my jobs is unconditional love for my boys, and to teach them persistance and love. No exceptions and as my grandmother says "this too will pass". Or perhaps your child is here to teach you...I know my boys have taught me unconditional love, not to worry so much and just play. I am a Critical Care doctor and my brain immediately goes to the worst case scenario - my wife is also meticulous and a planner - "luck favors the prepared mind" is what my father always has said. So several days ago we were playing hide and seek. Amanda (wife) was worried about how to play hide and seek fairly when Anderson is not able to get around quickly. My oldest son Coleman (5) placed a blanket over Anderson while he was sitting on the bed. He then proceeded to walk around the house, looking in the closets, pantry, rooms, behind chairs etc...calling for anderson and announcing "Is he in the closet?"...etc as he moved through the upstairs. Anderson was giggling and squeeking..."I am over here" he would giggle and wisper... until Coleman would get to Anderson and remove the blanket that he himself had placed over his head. Pretty Awesome, we were worried about how to play, how to make it even and fair, why is it this way...what lesson do I need from this and I really wish the Good Lord put it in a book for me to read rather than allowing this to happen....But really - it was that simple. Just play, enjoy, love, and make it a great day. Cherish the little time we have. The "why" is a focus of pain, and harboring negative emotions that will depress and dampen your spirit and interactions...It happened, it sucks, take a step forward and make it the best you can with what you have, the rest as they say is history. And history only teaches us lessons on how to make tomorrow better. Doesn't do anything for today.

Dan Gottlieb — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 19:37:02 GMT

hi Tommy,
I had many varied reactions to your interesting post. First was that most people don't want to know our experience, it's too painful for them. but in all fairness, most of us don't want to know the experience of living in Japan these days or the experience of someone living in poverty in Libya or anywhere else.

Many years ago a friend of mine said "like it or not, you are a teacher now." I remember being angry at that statement – I don't want to be a teacher I just want my life back. But she was right. We are teachers. Of course we teach those who want to learn about us. But we also teach the larger population by the way we live and conduct ourselves. If we can show the larger population that one can sit in a wheelchair and still feel joy, gratitude and love, then they will learn a great deal about us and the less afraid to learn more.

About 10 years ago I was in a hotel in Los Angeles that said they were wheelchair accessible. Technically they were, but it was difficult to get around. So I did what I always do in situations like this and I asked the manager if he would like any feedback about wheelchair access. He said he would like me to take him around the hotel to show him what didn't work. I said I would the following morning but I asked him first to imagine his daughter in a wheelchair getting around the hotel. When I met him the next morning he said he really didn't need to go through the hotel with me because he knew what was wrong! All we have to do is put ourselves in someone else's shoes. They will be better off, we will be better off and the world will probably be better off also.

By the way, I know they have outdoor adventures for people in wheelchairs. You might get more information in another discussion group.

Take care
Dan

Tommy — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 19:22:24 GMT

Your right about there's no answer of why this had to happen to any of us, but it's just the price that some of us has to pay for speed, for progress. Though the price that is paid is truly high for some of us that end up handicapped for life by mankind evolution, pressure,or just mere greediness, nothing can ever suppress that million dollar question, ''of WHY did this have to happen to me.'' Some are willing to throw god into this and other's shout the devil had an hand in our demise, all I know is that I survived a traumatic ordeal that no human should've live through and have seen certain things while I was fighting for my life in the ICU for 3 months or better. If I had known that I would end up a T-3 Paraplegic, paralyzed from the chest down and condemned to a nursing home, because no wanted to deal with this misfortune that has befell upon me. I'm not sure how I 'm suppose to handle any of it, but I manage and I'd would've chose not to exist at all, but that wasn't left up to me. I'm here now and how each of us deal with our own adversities is left up to each of us alone, me I rather believe that I can still be of some use, somewhere down the line and hope and pray that those around me will gather up the strength to except my fate and somehow believe that my misfortune want rub off on them. I love the outdoors, hunting, fishing, campfires by the lake and feel that I can somehow bring other's to the awesome adventure's of the great outdoors has to offer all of us, wheel chair or not. It's been 4 year's since the tragic Logging accident that left paralyzed and have yet to be invited to any adventure's that I'd enjoy because, others just don't want to be responsible or liable for my welfare or just simply don't want to deal with a handicap person in a wheel chair. If they want to understand fear and what it looks like, feels like, they should see it through my(OUR) eye's and my(OUR) level . Everyday is a new day and brings on a different challenge for me to deal with, so I choose to deal with this on a daily basis, but never will I ever give in to this fate that has found a place for it's hardship to stay. ... Never Quit, working out , eating right, Knowledge, trying to be understanding, sympathetic to the needs of other's that has shared my fate and keeping the bad energy/bad karma flow away from my door has became a everyday challenge by it self. Thanks for giving me a chance to see from another set of eye's ..... Tommy

Tency — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 20:47:38 GMT

Hi Dr. Dan,
I am so glad you are feeling better.
Is there a way I can e-mail you privately?
I need a consult of a very private nature.
I know the reason that I ask why, is usually to see if there is someway to change and
improve the situation. You are right, it often doesn't help, although it feels better knowing we try.
Thanks again for all the wisdom and support you give us all.
Warm Regards,
10C

Dan Gottlieb — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 20:25:50 GMT

I really love the title of this thread because everyone seems to want to know "why". I hear that in my office every day: "why did my husband have an affair?" "Why did my father criticized me so much?" "Why am I in a wheelchair?"

of course we want to know why because if we do, that would put our world in some kind of order. But, realistically, nobody ever accepts an explanation anyway? If I have one more person tell me the reason I had this recent accident was because either God had something in store for me or God wasn't ready for me or because there was something I was supposed to learn from this – if I hear this again I think I might just get out of my wheelchair and run away screaming.

What e are all looking for – all humans and maybe all animals, is a sense of well-being. sometimes finding answers gives us a sense of well-being, but not very often. We get a sense of well-being when we begin asking different questions: "this is the life I have, how can I live it with kindness, grace and love?" Or perhaps "now that I understand something about suffering, how can I turn this knowledge around so that I can help others?"

Eileen — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 01:44:31 GMT

Hi Ivonne, You wanted to hear from someone who has been SCI for a long time, and I certainly qualify as such. I had a diving accident 44 years ago at age 17, making me now 61 and I have every intention of getting much older. I am a C5/6 quadraplegic and have been mostly healthy over the years with the exception of a few urinary infections and now some very sore shoulder's from pushing a manual chair for far too long. I now use a powerchair, but my mobility is intact, my interest in various things (books, films, gardening, computer) is high, and I enjoy my life.

paris 85 — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 16:07:49 GMT

Hi JMS42

Truly beautiful and insightful poem.
Yes, I have asked my Lord why and I have thanked Him as well for the why's and why not's in my life. Most importantly, I have learned to trust Him knowing He is in control.. And even though we will not know why on this earth, all we need to know is that He has purpose and goodness for all his children and one day , the why 's and why not's will be crystal clear.

Dan Gottlieb — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 20:05:54 GMT

that is a wonderful poem. One of the many slogans in alcoholics anonymous is about developing "an attitude of gratitude". and research has begun to show that our brain wiring begins to change when we can pay attention to the things in life that we are grateful for. It can actually change the way we see the world.
It takes practice and we can start slowly -- just noticing five things a day we feel grateful for, and actually feeling thankful for a few seconds. Then increase that number by a few every week.
Talk about miracles!

zuzu — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 01:43:50 GMT

Why?
Poem by JMS42

Excellent.

JMS42 — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 23:58:04 GMT

Do I ever get mad at God and ask, “Why me”?
If I said, “No”, would that be an answer you’d believe?
It’s hard to explain, but let me give it a try.
I like to say it’s because I’m not your typical guy.
I’ve accomplished a lot over the years.
I guess you can say I’m a guy without any fears.
Sports and the outdoors run through my blood.
Competing against humans and animals are things I love.
I’ve accumulated over thirty sporting trophies and whitetail bucks.
Were these things that were meant to be, or is it a result of luck?
In order to answer this, go back to the year 1975,
The day I came into this world in flesh and alive.
I was born healthy and with a head full of hair.
Compared to millions of babies, that was probably unfair.
My ears could hear and my eyes could see sight.
Compared to millions of kids, they may think that’s not right.
I’ve always had the ability to talk, laugh, or sing a song.
Compared to millions of teenagers, they may wonder, “What did I do wrong?
As things begin to add up, my thoughts become clear,
I never once asked myself, “Why am I here”?
Do I deserve all that I’ve accomplished and the things around me?
If I asked you the same question about yourself, I think we would both agree.
However, this is when we need to be truthful and look down deep inside.
What about the skeletons in the closet, or the stuff from our peers we hide?
Do you still feel like you deserve to have what you have and do the things you do?
Have you ever looked at someone less fortunate and ever wonder why that wasn’t you?
It can be easy to get mad at God and give Him all the blame.
Did you know before you were born, He already knew your name?
To sum things up, I can’t be angry and blame God for all that I’ve endure and the strife,
When I never took the time to ask, “Why me” for the blessings in my life

Saralee Perel — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 23:12:36 GMT

Yes! I'm very familiar with Jon Kabat-Zinn's book Full Catastrophe Living. My husband has become a changed man because of Kabat-Zinn. He (Jon) teaches in Massachusetts. Bob (husband) does Jon's meditation every day. It's made a huge difference in his attitude and his uptightness.

The one who expressed your thoughts (and Dan's) so eloquently for me, was Kahill Gibran in The Prophet. I'm sure I'm not quoting exactly. But it's something like, "The deeper that pain carves into your heart, the more joy it can contain."

Is that what you mean?

Saralee

ratherbflyin — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 22:53:28 GMT

I cannot believe that no one has taken it!!! Full Catastrophe Living (borrowing Jon Kabat-Zinn's dissertation / book title), yes? Hope all is well with you. In keeping with this philosophy, I would have to choose both heaven & hell & the character formation that comes with each extreme - the rollercoaster of life!

I haven't been posting much recently because of so many wonderful changes here in addition to a real winter with two great snows - a white Christmas of 3" and a second of 10" - and forecast of another mini-snowstorm on the way. What a treat & challenge in the
South!
Below, my daughter with her Christmas snowman!

Dan Gottlieb — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 13:48:34 GMT

hello my friend,

thank you for your kind words about my work, it means a great deal to me. I could not wait until Tuesday to respond to your interesting question -- why would I choose heaven and hell?

Often when I have people in my office suffering with anxiety or grief, I tell them that I have a meditation in my office drawer and if they take it they will never have to feel anxiety or grief again. I have been offering that medication for several decades now and I have not had one taker!

It's life, as Zorba the Greek said: "the full catastrophe". And if you look inside, I don't think any of us would want any of our emotions eliminated. Before I came to terms with the reality that my life was fragile and would almost certainly be over before I was ready, I used to hate winter and rainy windy days and many other things. and now I appreciate them all -- the whole catastrophe!

Please take care and enjoy!

Saralee Perel says:

Dan - I've probably said this a hundred times - but in case I haven't - of all the psychologists with whom I've worked (I had a 22 year practice), you are the one I have liked the most. Therapy is so tainted because of managed care. Folks I know here who are still in the profession have talked themselves into believing they're helping their patients by following the insurance case manager's treatment plans - in 3 visits. Okay - enough. (Apparently it still bugs me.)

You're still genuine and 'normal' and human/frail/strong. Regarding the post you wrote that I'm replying to, I am on a similar journey. Now that I'm typing, I'm realizing that this paragraph has everything to do with above paragraph, but I didn't know that until this second. When you say, referring to heaven and hell, " - we visited both -- often. I don't think I would want it any other way," is there a part of you that thinks you're talking yourself into not wanting it any other way - - because that's the way it is so you might as well think that you'd choose it if you had a choice?

Well, a better bottom line, and a clearer one would be, why on earth would you choose hell (the heaven/hell combo)?

Saralee